The Last Straw

It finally happened....I went off the deep end last night. I cried and cried and cried and no matter what poor Legs tried to do to offer help, it couldn't be done. I cried so hard that I was literally gasping for breath. I just couldn't get enough air in my lungs and was at the point that it didn't matter. I didn't care if I took another breath, which scared the hell out of Legs. He has never seen me do this...ever! I have been feeling for the last two weeks or so that things are starting to slip...mentally, now I know some will say that I have already hit that mark, but I was so low last night that I just didn't care anymore. I have been there in that state once and it's happening again.

I always try to stay optimistic but sometimes that person needs a boost too.

I am a giver and my family are takers and I had an eye opener last week but last night knocked me off the mark. I could not take any more and after I hung up with my mother, I "lost it" and wanted to stay lost until I drew my last breath....but, it is not my time and my ticker kept ticking. I think the last time I was disappointed like this was when my grandfather died and the family didn't want me to make a scene in the hospital so, I was the last to know that he was not coming home. He passed away with everyone in the room saying their good-byes but me. I was the closest to him, that man was my everything. I still have not forgiven my family on that decision to this day.

I have been diagnosed with a nerve disorder and have to be on meds to keep it on an even keel, but when I really get rattled, I can't control my "shakes". Last night was a night that I was truly out of control. Poor Legs... I can handle the meds for the physical part of me that is breaking down but the mental part is more than I can handle. It's just one more thing...I hate always thinking....I can never stop.

Since my divorce I have learned to budget, never had to do that before, hell I paid my first bill at the age of 34! I think I am doing fairly well, I send money home to pay for things that I still have there, I have given money to my cousin, who is like a sister, and I have given money to my uncle, who is like a dad and I alway give money to my mother for other things to help her out. This time , me the giver, needs some help from the takers and they are not giving to the giver. I am hurt, disappointed, and angry.

My breakdown last night, was a reality check for me and it hit me hard. I will no more help them out. Not ever.

My close friends know the struggles that I have with my family with regards to this subject and let me tell you my dear friends....Fairy Mae has seen the light! It was a hard hit, but I now know just where I stand with them.

I'm done.