Apparently

I'm trying to stay positive...I really am.

I can't seem to catch up with this new job change paying me less...way less then before...Im not a wealthy person.  I do live from pay check to pay check and that has only been lately as I have been socking the so called extra money I get into a retirement plan...do I get kudos for that...nope.  Hell I could take it out and spend it!!
I was just offered a way better paying job, one that I will enjoy.  I asked if I could work a 10 hour shift instead.  I was told no because of the way the business and staff work and instead was offered a dollar more...who can argue with that...apparently that is not good enough for some people.  IT can't get any better than that...and I can take days off to help with another catering job that pays great too!!

Not good enough...apparently. 

What I do get is a verbal shit kicking.  Does this at all help any situation??  I think not.  Does this make me feel like "well, then what the fuck am I doing then?"...you bet.

I feel like I first got married at 19 again.  I feel like a 12 year old having to account for every penny of my allowance...did I realize that getting a divorce would leave me pretty much homeless with no place to live much less food on the table...oh, wait, what table....I didn't have that either!!  I did not ask for any of that.  Hell, I didn't even have enough money to move back home!!

What I did do was learn how to get a job, rent a one bedroom apartment, get a bed, a table and a deep freeze.  Learn how to pay a bill - because that I did not even know how to do - and because I was the one at fault for the divorce, I am still paying for it.  Oh, my GOD, I am still paying for it.

I'm not asking others to help me out.  Never did, never will.

Do not continue to badger me about my finances.  I did not lead a charmed life.  I was not taught how to budget or figure out finances properly until I was in my mid 30's and holy crap, I think I am doing pretty damn good.....others may not think so, but I am self sufficient.  I am not asking for hand outs.  I am not living at a shelter.  I can stand on my own two feet thank you.  Stop telling me what  crappy job I am doing and instead let me know how well I am doing.  I know I still have debt.  It may take me many years to get rid of it all, but it's my debt.  I don't harp about yours or anyone else's.  I don't tell you what you need or want. 

I know that difference between needs and wants.

What I want is some kind gentle advice or help, maybe a pat on the back. 
What I don't need is to be preached or bitched at about it.

Only Child Syndrome

Only Child Syndrome has graced my presence again. I hate it. I have no one to talked to. I don't want to stress out my mom, with her health still not great. I don't want to talk to my cousin cuz...well I just don't want to. I don't want to talk to my aunt even though she is a wise woman, well its just still not the same, still not my mom. Turns out that if I try to talk to Buster, the person I should be able to talk to about anything...well, it turns out I can't. I end up getting yelled at and and called a nag.

Trying to talk to him is like trying to talk a jumper jumping off a building but he's already jumped...useless. I am frustrated and extremely disappointed and in turn have been deemed a nag!! A nag?! Thanks...all because I want to know if one of my conditions to this relationship has been dumped. One of the conditions is to eventually get my horses back.


I am extremely disappointed.

I fucking hate being an only child.

No name

I've sent in my resume to I don't know how many people. My tranny on the escape has decided to give me grief - thank you warranty! My mother is having open heart surgery on what looks like now Tuesday, my horse died, and now my dog broke her leg. Is this my fault I ask?

Is any of this my fault? Bad karma maybe but never asked for. Im sick to fucking death of trying to please every one and trying to be the good guy. Im sick to death of others shit attitute. Hey, I'm just trying to get through one more fucking day. Get off my back, treat me with some respect. If I'm such a pain in the ass then let me know so I can fix that. If I'm such a miserable SOB to work with then let me know so I can fix that. If I'm such an idiot, then let me know so I can fix that..don't know if that can be fixed...? If I'm not pulling my weight or if I am being a burden then by all means, let me fix that.

The boss says Fairy, take the day off tomorrow and get your self together. Really? What more can I possible get together? No matter what I touch, no matter what I say or feel, I am falling apart and no happy pill in the world is gonna help me get back together.



I'm sick of having others have a shit day or shit news and treating me like this is all my doing. I'm sick of travelling with moody road partners, I'm sick of being told what is mine and what isn't . I'm sick, fed up and have had it. I double dog dare just one more person to make my day a disaster with their attitude or crap words. I demand respect and kindness. I want it and I want it from now on. Period.

I'm stressed out, a nervous wreck and ready to fly....so DON'T piss me off. I really, really, from the bottom of my heart, mean it.

..... and on top of it all...these feelings really scare the hell out of me.

Ranting: conversations in a group

Ive noticed a while ago that when I attend a function, a gathering, or a group large or small, that if I am not included in the conversation, I end up zoning out or walking away.

You can't be mad at me because I've done my best to fit in with a nod or a grunt...you can't fault me for zoning out or walking away...you've done nothing to me? I've done nothing to you!

So, why get annoyed with me when you don't get the answer from me you want when I have no idea what you were talking about. I may have been there in body but unless you look at me when talking to others and include me in that particular conversation, then and only then will I indulge in the gathering, group or likewise...geez

I'm getting used to not being included in conversations, gatherings and so forth...does it bother me? A little. It makes me feel invisible. It makes me feel like in not worthy of your time.
If it makes me feel like that, why stay? If it makes me feel bad about myself and makes me feel useless, why would I allow myself to stay in that situation. You don't want to talk to me and include me, thats your deal, but don't get pissy when I do it to you! Kinda hurts the soul a wee bit.

SO think about it in your next group type setting....make sure you say hi to everyone and include them in your conversation, even if you don't know their names. They are there for a reason.

Make them feel welcome too.

Rant - Intuition

Today, I am heading out with 5 other strangers to a Leadership Sypmosium. I know only 2 out of the 5. Does that mean I should not go?

I am on Twitter and have 71 people following me...I maybe know 3, I don't know the rest....does this mean I should cancel my account since I don't know the other 68 people?

I am on Blogger and have some beloved blogger friends and have not met many of you face to face, should I block you from reading my blogs? HELL NO!

Which leads me to facebook.
I am the creator or 4 pages and have over 3 hundred friends. Some acquaintances, some co-workers and some game players...some I do not know. Being the creator of 4 pages with over 6 hundred people on all four of them, some I do not know, does this mean that I make them not like the page cuz of my profile on it?

If you don't like that new people come into my life everyday, then I guess I better stay home this week and not get into a car with 5 other people. I guess I better tell my boss that I can't run 4 pages anymore and that I better stay in the house with the blinds closed and the car in the garage.

My other point is this.

I have a really good gut intuition. If my gut is telling me to run!, I run! If my gut is telling me these are good people, then they are good people.

Two people made me feel really bad about myself last night and when I defended myself and gave examples to both of them about what they do on these social networks, that what they do is essentially the same thing, this conversation made all these horrible feelings come back. Feelings that I swore I would never have again in my lifetime.

Im really hurt, that these two people, have the gall to tell me what is right and what is wrong when they have no room to talk.

I had these garbage feelings come back, the ones that landed me at the farm for a week, seeing a doctor who had to prescribe me happy pills so I wouldn't jump off the bridge.

How dare you make me feel that way!

If you don't like what I am doing then you can "de-friend, de-follow, and de-blog" me! I am doing nothing wrong. Nothing!

So, get off my back, take a look at yourself. You are no different then I am.

Get a grip!

Two weeks

Well, I just nicely got back from two weeks of holidays.

Buster, Kiddo and I headed to the mountains. This was a new thing for all of us. Our first holiday together...all three of us....together.....

We survived....Buster and his lack of communication, Kiddo and her non listening skills and me, the basket case!

We got it all ironed out and it was fabulous. I am looking forward to another adventure - minus the in law drama, their camper, their truck and their bullshit in general. We learned a lesson that we will never, never borrow anything of theirs again and actually realized that in the long run it would have been cheaper to rent a cabin with a kichenette and so forth. I did however take some fantastic pictures.

This past week I spent at the farm.
I have an uncle that is dying from alcoholism....everything is shutting down and it will be only a matter of time before I attend his funeral. In the meantime, he has three children which eventually lost contact with him because of his drinking, he preferred the bottle over his kids. One however, came home this past week to mend fences with the whole family. She brought her two kids and camped out at the farm and we had a great time. She decided that she would go in and visit her dad/my uncle. When we first walked in he didn't know her. He has had no contact with her for over 25 years....but when she told him who he was...well, the water works kicked in and it made a dying man very happy.

The last few days at the farm were very trying for me. Angle and her husband Lorne with three kids also camped out at the farm. He had a temper tantrum many times throughout the week and all those times I kept my mouth shut. The day before I went home was the day the shit finally hit the fan. He threw his last one around me. I said two words to the lot of them and they packed up and left. He was whining because he wanted to go to the lake and there was too much to do at the farm due to rain two days before. There was about 1/2 mile of fence that needed tending too and he just didn't want to be there so he made life miserable. I put my hammer down and told them all to "go". The second time I said it, tears were then streaming down my face and they then left.

This left my mom, who is 70 and my self to build and fix a fence. We worked from 10am and got into the house a little after 7pm. Of course, Angle called her mommy, who then called my mommy, who then proceeded to tell me to calm down and talk to Angle...well, I just wasn't ready to hear the sob story and the excuses....now, because I allowed myself to be mad, I am the bad guy. because I am not ready to listen to the bullshit, I am the bad guy. These past few days after pounding with the sledge over 25 fence posts and putting up a millions miles of barbed wire, page wire and pounding in staples...I am not quite ready to talk to anyone yet. My hands are still swollen and thank heaven I have a tetnus shot!

These two weeks of holidays were very eventful.....

Can't wait til next year!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......

Days off

Its been quite a week...and its only Tuesday. Now if I am correct the week begins on Sunday.

Yes, well let's see here.

Sunday, one of two days off.

Sunday, the day was good, the evening bad...Buster continues to roam the house...sleepwalking. you can't argue with a sleepwalker cuz YOU LOSE! I was fuming Monday morning. They can call you all sorts of names, they can resist you from going back to bed, they can argue with you...knowing full well they won't remember....but I do! Fuming, I go back to bed. Fuming, I lie awake while sleepwalking beauty is now in bed snoring!

Now, the law has been put in place. I am now monitoring all that goes down the gullet after supper and before bedtime. I am now monitoring what verbal events happen before bedtime. This is crazy...sleeping beauty wakes up in the morning fresh as a daisy and I have the sleep deprived headache and two huge bags under my eyes and ZERO smiles in the morning.

Monday rolls around and Kiddo and I hang out together for day number 2. All went really well...until we dropped her off with her "mother"....side note: ANYONE can have a kid....anyone, but only special ones are mothers or special ones are fathers....and I gotta say, I havent run into too many special ones in my lifetime. There is always some hiccup or glitch you see while looking in. Guess that's why I havent dipped into that pool.


A rant: verbal diarreha of the mouth...not to be taken anyway by anyone as offensive, insulting or any thing else. Its just something you gotta get off you chest. It doesnt mean you are mad at the person you are ranting too. Its part of communication.

Tuesday, back at work and the benefit is on tonight for something that I am against. I will be here long enough to see that all volunteers are here, then I am outta here.

Wednesday a huge men`s conference...should be interesting...alot of testosterone.

No more!

I don't want to see it, please, please don't let me see it anymore!

I am so sick and tired of seeing overweight females with lowrise jeans on. I am so sick and tired of seeing the disgusting overweight muffin top flowing over the already too low jeans. I am grossed right out if the truth be known!...and maybe they aren't that fat but their clothing choices make them out to be! I don't know, but I do know that enough is enough!

I am sick and tired of seeing the too small top on the too large body with the too low rise jeans. Do their friends not tell them! I know mine tell me when something looks good and something does not!

I am sick and tired of seeing the obese women in these clothes! Don't they know that the lowrise may be in for most but not for them! Don't they know that Penningtons and Reitmans have fabulous plus size clothes? Gahhhhhh!

Where is Stacy and Clinton when you need them? Where are the fashion police when you need them?

Scrooging at work

I feel a rant coming on!

There are two things that I am not fond of and that is dance season and school xmas concert season. These two times bring out the best in parents.

Its always that one parent that is a nightmare which makes me lump them all together as "get your shit together parents".

One parent last night was pissed off because she couldnt get a seat. 548 seats in this venue and you cant get your shit together enough to get your butt over here to stand in line and wait. Your kid got here on time? Oh, you have to work....lets see, most bosses will let off early to get your kid on time to these things....excuse after excuse and then the verbal abuse starts...when did it become ok to verbally abuse anyone, anywhere? WHEN? I stepped in at that point when she satrted in on one of our elderly volunteers....I told her if she couldn't be nice, she had to leave and how proud would her son or daughter be if they found out you were kicked out for verbal abuse? What is going on here?


I went over to get my H1N1/flu shot yesterday over at the clinic and there is a big bold sign..."verbal abuse of any kind will not be tolerated". I see these signs posted everywhere, in retail stores, in restaurants, in the clinics...what the hell? Why can't anyone be polite anymore? Why does everyone have to be so angry? Why the chip on the shoulder?

Go get some help. Please!


Ahhh, I feel better now.

Why, I ask Why?

I was working at the hell job all weekend and we have a "new" girl that just started....



She is a different sort and thats all I will say. I have never worked with someone quite like her before....



Yesterday, she was in the back and I walked through the door and she is sitting on a chair shaking and a single tear rolled down her pudgy face. I asked what is wrong? Kinda shocked, kinda interested....the nosy part of me. She told me she was sick! That she just threw up in the bathroom and doesn't know if she can stay....what the....!



SICK!!! What the H-E-double hockey sticks are you doing at work infecting all the others! GET HOME!



Today, today, I am sick. I have the flu. Am I impressed.....no.



Why do you come to work when you know you are sick? Why must you infect others with your illness? I just don't understand?



Stay home! Be sick there....I don't want your nasty flu bug!....the one that I have NOW!!



Little bitter! YES!



Get a grip Fairy....



I will say that I do get the odd...ok, I get lots of migraines, but I know where that comes from and its inherited...thanks Grama!





If you are sick....for the love of all things, stay home and let the rest of us be healthy!

The Straw broke....a rant.

Once again, I thought I was done with the piddly-assed high school horse shite! Seriously.

Yes, it was a fairly stressful day yesterday at work with a gazillion children coughing on you, touching you with their cheezy chip little fingers, grabbing at others, parents stressed out and yelling at their disobedient kids that are running all over hell's green acre....and I, stuck behind the merch. table. For those of you who know me, know I can not "do" money....and that's where I was. Thank heaven for the fabulous volunteer ladies who helped me. If they were not there to back me up, I would have been in a corner freaking out!

Yesterday we had the two out of the three fab Front of House Managers (FOH) there, Jack Spratt and G-Girl. The one I hate ("L" who is married to "J") did not grace my presence yesterday, but her arsehole of a husband who is the lighting tech and works there full time was.

J approached G-Girl yesterday, who was our FOH for two of the shows and said to her that I was in a lot of trouble and will most likely be fired on Monday for the ruckus I caused. G-Girl, who has grown to be a good friend of mine, came to me with this information and asked if I was in trouble....I shook my head no.

G-Girl informed me that she was told by J that eventhough the kids show was sold out, there were still ads in the paper for the show and I was foolishly spending money that our non-profit organization did not have and that he was going to bring this HUGE mistake to the boards attention and have me fired.

Well, I was wild!

First of all if you have a problem with me, come and see me. I am forever hearing of these guys back stage beeotch and complain about me, but not once have they evah, evah, had the balls to approach me.

Secondly, stop telling others....they MUST know it's gonna get back to me?! I mean really! I am a nice person and people really, actually like me! (I'm not pulling your leg here!)

and Thirdly...and this is the best and I can hardly wait for J and R to bring it up at the next meeting....teehee...the show that had all the ads in, was not our show. They brought themselves in. I have no part whatsoever in what they do for advertising. None. Zero. Zilch. I have no say, in what they do...and I don't care. It's not my job to see how they spend their advertising dollar. We didn't bring it or book it in.

What keeps me going? The fact that I lurve my job and I do it well. The fact that I know by being there, drives J and R and L crazy!

Your word

Today was it.

Saturday was hell as I worked with the F.O.H nightmare. She managed to piss off a whole lot of volunteers and, as for me....I have had it too.

On another note...

I bought two...BOUGHT...rather than comp them at my work place, bought two tickets for Legs to go see a world class guitarist and one of his buddies who he was taking backed out. SO I have an extra ticket...I may even use it and let the boss do my job backstage for a change!

On another note...

I talked to a couple of girlfriends to see if they wanted to go view a classic movie on the big screen and one has backed out. Not sure about the other, quite frankly, I am scared to ask.

I don't do that to other people. Why does it continually happen to me? Well, I guess we will chalk it up to the Year of Being Me and changes will implement there too. Boy, I have just had an ah-ha moment....let me ponder....ya see, that's the thing, a person gets three tries with me. You strike out and you get no more effort on my part, and the girlfriend just threw her last strike.

I've had it with people giving me their "word". From now on I want to see "your word" written in blood! I am sick of arranging things for people who express interest and give me a thumbs up to continue to arrange these certain things and then they back out. Well, I've had it. I am not doing it anymore!

I see a pattern here....

You wanna go, you make the arrangements.

I'm done.

15 of 365

Quite frankly I am not thankful for anything today. I am in a pissy mood and am skipping the 15!

I just came back from the dentist and now need a root canal! I am a wreck to say the least.
$1200 for the government and now at least a $1000 for my 3 root tooth! WTF?!

I have had it.


Its January.....its only the beginning of the year...Well I guess it is the year of being me! My tooth, my taxes....this is NOT what I mean't!

Sigh....

Dipsticks, the whole lot of 'em

AARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHH!

The back stage personel and Front of House are IDIOTS!!!!

AARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

What gives people the right to "talk down" to other people in front of patrons!!!

I'm about to EXPLODE!!!

Ranting

The weekend of the 31st will be a fun one as well. It is the Saskatchewan side of the showcases I saw in Red Deer, Alberta.

The nice thing about this one is that it is in Saskatchewan, where I don't have to constantly hear how great Albertans are.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are some really nice people in Alberta, but I am sick TO DEATH of hearing how Saskatchewan people are of below intelligence...according to a few Albertans....well alot of them really...I have pondered this alot, as to why they feel the need to disrespect we the people of Saskatchewan and the only thing I can come up with is that they are jealous of what we have here in this province. That they have to bring others down to make themselves feel better...I guess. But after awhile, I get slightly irritated, constanly hearing the negatives come from their mouths about how crappy Saskatchewan is....and quite franly I am getting a little tired of it!

Allllrighty then...

You know, I have just about had enough of the jibs, jives, smart-ass remarks, and attitudes. I am sorry that things have happened to people that they did not want to happen but destiny and fate and decision making have all fallen into place and what's done is done. It happens to everyone.

Shit happens.

I have had to make adjustments and pull through all that crap that I just recently went through, I have had an attitude change! and well guess what, there is a new Fairy Mae in town and she isn't going to put up with other peoples temper tantrums, guilt trips, or snide remarks any more and if the masses that "know" me don't like it, then too friggin bad.

They've never given a sniff before with the sarcastic comments made to me, why the hell should they be offended now when I bark back. Shocking isn't it? Not used to it maybe? Heaven forbid, I should have an opinion or feelings on the subject. I mean really, has anyone ever asked me?! Nope. Good ole fairy Mae will be ok with it. Don't tell me not to take it personal, don't tell me to drop it. If it's a comment made towards me that affects ME in any way, shape, or form then I have a right to defend myself. If it's a comment in general then I have an opinion too don't I? Cripes!

Then they wonder why I never want to go anywhere or see any one.

I am sick of it. Absolutely sick of it!

And to think, I am having a fabulous day today. The sun is shining, work is good, I am farm sitting for the next 10 days. It can't get any better!

Scales

ok. I am really getting ticked off. I have been exercising, I have been sick, I have been watching my food intake and still I am the same!

I have been the same weight for 4 weeks!! 4 WEEKS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!???

Mean while Wilma is taking off like you wouldn't believe. I'm not impressed that I have not been able to shed one pound in the last 4 weeks. AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!

What happened?

I have a friend that is on and off with me. Right now, it is off....I'm guessing.

She will call me and make dinner dates, pool dates, movie dates, then call my voice mail and leave a message saying that she can't make it. She doesn't even have the guts to talk to me personally.

I can't stand it. It is so high school.

I went to Mexico with her and her kids. I helped her out when things got rough with her and her ex husband. I looked after her kids!!

Now she has met some dude and her whole world now revolves around him. I understand that people grow and friends change because lifestyles change. I get that, but if you don't want to hang out, or catch up or whatever, then, cut the ties, break it off. Stop making dates then breaking them 1 hour before you are to go somewhere!! It's insane!

I have tried to still be her friend but I have had it. I see her parents and her kids more than I see her!

If you want nothing to do with me, then leave me alone. Don't call me to arrange something. Just leave it. Say hi when we see each other and move on!

When I do go in to her place of work, I am now to the point where I try to sneak in because if she sees me, she tries to tell me her life in minutes when I have not seen hide nor hair of her in months. It is too much!

If you are too busy for me than I would just like to be left alone. Just leave it at that. Nothing more, nothing less.

missing out

Well, today I am missing work. I hate to miss work. I guess it's because work doesn't feel like work. Why am I missing work? Well, I am once again sick. I have some flu thing happening. I ache all over and I am so tired.

I hate missing work because I have much to do. Tomorrow I will go in. Jane Lockhart, the decorating guru is going to be at The Vic Juba Community Theatre and I still have to prep the green room and I must get my $h!t together for Friday when the Gala is on. I have a speech to read and I hate public speaking. It's funny, I hate public speaking but I have no problem acting on stage. I guess it's because I have lines learned in a play, and public speaking, I have to stand at a podium and be serious and me, rather than being a character in a play. Silly rabbit!

I hate the people above me. Neanderthal Man and his girlfriend Amazon Woman. They are thee most heavy footed people I have ever had living above me. They are even noisier than the couple who used to beat the hell out of each other! They are up til all hours and their music is very loud. I have already pounded on their door and asked them to turn their music down. Now, I just resort to ramming the end of my broom handle on my ceiling. I can't stand them!!

Amazon Woman is even taller and bigger then my Auntie Gwen and Neanderthal Man is this stocky humped up kid who has a really bad hairdresser. His hair is dark with these light coloured spots all over. He looks like a cross between a dalmatian and an appaloosa!

SCARY SHIT!!

I am definitely heading into work tomorrow!!

Driving me NUTS!!!

I can not for the life of me get the Sask Blog flag on my blog!!! I have been on this thing for half the day. I am so frustrated!!!!!!!!!! I have been visiting this site since I read Brunos blog and I quite like it but I can't get it on my Cloister lifelines. Heaven only know I have a hard enough time copying and pasting and trying to figure out which little square things get pasted in to. Nothing is ever easy. CRAP!