Apparently

I'm trying to stay positive...I really am.

I can't seem to catch up with this new job change paying me less...way less then before...Im not a wealthy person.  I do live from pay check to pay check and that has only been lately as I have been socking the so called extra money I get into a retirement plan...do I get kudos for that...nope.  Hell I could take it out and spend it!!
I was just offered a way better paying job, one that I will enjoy.  I asked if I could work a 10 hour shift instead.  I was told no because of the way the business and staff work and instead was offered a dollar more...who can argue with that...apparently that is not good enough for some people.  IT can't get any better than that...and I can take days off to help with another catering job that pays great too!!

Not good enough...apparently. 

What I do get is a verbal shit kicking.  Does this at all help any situation??  I think not.  Does this make me feel like "well, then what the fuck am I doing then?"...you bet.

I feel like I first got married at 19 again.  I feel like a 12 year old having to account for every penny of my allowance...did I realize that getting a divorce would leave me pretty much homeless with no place to live much less food on the table...oh, wait, what table....I didn't have that either!!  I did not ask for any of that.  Hell, I didn't even have enough money to move back home!!

What I did do was learn how to get a job, rent a one bedroom apartment, get a bed, a table and a deep freeze.  Learn how to pay a bill - because that I did not even know how to do - and because I was the one at fault for the divorce, I am still paying for it.  Oh, my GOD, I am still paying for it.

I'm not asking others to help me out.  Never did, never will.

Do not continue to badger me about my finances.  I did not lead a charmed life.  I was not taught how to budget or figure out finances properly until I was in my mid 30's and holy crap, I think I am doing pretty damn good.....others may not think so, but I am self sufficient.  I am not asking for hand outs.  I am not living at a shelter.  I can stand on my own two feet thank you.  Stop telling me what  crappy job I am doing and instead let me know how well I am doing.  I know I still have debt.  It may take me many years to get rid of it all, but it's my debt.  I don't harp about yours or anyone else's.  I don't tell you what you need or want. 

I know that difference between needs and wants.

What I want is some kind gentle advice or help, maybe a pat on the back. 
What I don't need is to be preached or bitched at about it.

Only Child Syndrome

Only Child Syndrome has graced my presence again. I hate it. I have no one to talked to. I don't want to stress out my mom, with her health still not great. I don't want to talk to my cousin cuz...well I just don't want to. I don't want to talk to my aunt even though she is a wise woman, well its just still not the same, still not my mom. Turns out that if I try to talk to Buster, the person I should be able to talk to about anything...well, it turns out I can't. I end up getting yelled at and and called a nag.

Trying to talk to him is like trying to talk a jumper jumping off a building but he's already jumped...useless. I am frustrated and extremely disappointed and in turn have been deemed a nag!! A nag?! Thanks...all because I want to know if one of my conditions to this relationship has been dumped. One of the conditions is to eventually get my horses back.


I am extremely disappointed.

I fucking hate being an only child.

No name

I've sent in my resume to I don't know how many people. My tranny on the escape has decided to give me grief - thank you warranty! My mother is having open heart surgery on what looks like now Tuesday, my horse died, and now my dog broke her leg. Is this my fault I ask?

Is any of this my fault? Bad karma maybe but never asked for. Im sick to fucking death of trying to please every one and trying to be the good guy. Im sick to death of others shit attitute. Hey, I'm just trying to get through one more fucking day. Get off my back, treat me with some respect. If I'm such a pain in the ass then let me know so I can fix that. If I'm such a miserable SOB to work with then let me know so I can fix that. If I'm such an idiot, then let me know so I can fix that..don't know if that can be fixed...? If I'm not pulling my weight or if I am being a burden then by all means, let me fix that.

The boss says Fairy, take the day off tomorrow and get your self together. Really? What more can I possible get together? No matter what I touch, no matter what I say or feel, I am falling apart and no happy pill in the world is gonna help me get back together.



I'm sick of having others have a shit day or shit news and treating me like this is all my doing. I'm sick of travelling with moody road partners, I'm sick of being told what is mine and what isn't . I'm sick, fed up and have had it. I double dog dare just one more person to make my day a disaster with their attitude or crap words. I demand respect and kindness. I want it and I want it from now on. Period.

I'm stressed out, a nervous wreck and ready to fly....so DON'T piss me off. I really, really, from the bottom of my heart, mean it.

..... and on top of it all...these feelings really scare the hell out of me.

Something's Got to Give....

My days turn into evenings here at work...there has been a new GM, but nothing seems to be changing.

I'm burnt out, grouchy and have started to look for other job opportunities...it makes me so sad because I really do love my job. Last night I had yet another childhood dream fulfilled and knowing that this may never happen any more literally breaks my heart.

The GM is here, but seems to not be able to stand her ground in rule changes around here. She wants to impliment them but with such a strong presence around us, it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel grows farther and farther away. I am not sure how much more of these long, long days I can put in mentally and I know the new GM, won't stand for it. My worries are now that we seem to be at a stand still, she will quit.

I have my performance review on Monday and I am skeptical at this point that there will be changes. The GM knows where I am coming from but if I don't see changes to my work schedule and a raise then I really will have to put my nose to the grind and find another job...and that, I am not looking forward to.

Ugh.

The Monkey's Paw

Tonight is full dress rehearsal for a very scattered cast and crew. I've got directors coming from every which way and tomorrow is thee day!

I am at the point to where I'm not too sure about the whole thing. It seems this poor play was cursed from the very get go and nothing seems to be working for us still.

Our little actors have memorized until they are blue in the face. I've had committed actors memorizing the script but never showing up for practice, yet of all the rehearsals that we have had, they seem to be pulling it off when they do show, but are now throwing the other actors off because the others just got used to them not being there....sigh. Did I mention the cast before this one buggared off to do Rocky!!??

I've got one actor whispering lines to everyone and late for her own, I've got the lights man telling me which chair the main actor should sit in, I've got my props lady coming over to me and pointing out to me that the actors are not following the stage directions that are in the book! AARRGGGHHHH...too many directors and not enough actors. Oh, did I mention that the little high school student who was supposed to run lights, never did show up and when he did, he wanted me to sign the paper to his teacher saying he WAS there for all the rehearsals!! That didn't happen! I'm hoping he failed!

I am now doing sound, prompting, set construction and making damn good and sure there is a double caesar waiting for me in the wings when its all over!!!

I am praying that they will have a great run tonight.

Rehearsal

Well, after cancelling out for festival, I think we finally have our group of 8.

We were trying to gather the 8 people who committed to doing The Paw for festival in November. Then Rocky Horror pops up and I went frio 8 to ZERO!

I had to phone head office to cancel out of Festival, got a talking to from the E.D. who rubs me the wrong way on a good day and barked back at her only to realized that not only can I not go to festival but the play is advertised in the season brochure AND, found out that the schools here were taking it in their reading curriculum and selling the house for a 10:30 AM performance out while STILL I had Zero actors.

Slowly, I gathered up 4 out of 5 actors. I still needed a dad. I found him last week. I was giving myself until the end of September to do this play.

I'm pissed at myself for losing sleep over the damn thing, I am pissed that many went over to RHPS and couldn't "DO" both....there are no lines to learn in Rocky and pissed that there is another sub group of the Players doing a show for the seniors at the same time of The Paw.

So...in the meantime, I have had a get together with all the Players and sorted this fiasco out. We have all agreed, because we went from 9 to 35 people overnight basically, that we need more communication....ya think?

This spring we are in the works for "See How They Run"...which thankfully will not be diirected by me...Im soured and need a break. I may however, take a roll in it. I think it could be awfully fun!

But in the meantime, rehearsal last night went great and we have come a long way baby!!

A sign

My Uncle Billy is not well. He has been an alcoholic all of his adult life. We knew his liver was shutting down and was to go to Regina on Monday. Yesterday however, he totally stunned us all by having a massive heart attack and is now in recovery in a coma on life support. I am on pins and needles at home waiting to hear from the majority of the family who went up this morning to get the low down from the doctor.

Last night when I went to bed, I had a rather an odd thing happen. As we all know I am a complete believer of the spirit world, have seen my fair share of ghosts, have witnesses numerous phenomenon. I was laying in bed and not quite asleep but not awake either. Not one, but both grama and grapa stood beside me last night....I knew what that meant. I asked them why they were here and both grama and grapa, grama wearing her jeans and pink sweatshirt and grapa was wearing his work pants, plaid shirt and blue ballcap, both with out stretched arms said they were ready for Bill. They had come to "take him home". I remember just laying very still in bed, hoping they would give me more. Grama smiled and said she was here to take her sick little boy home. It was his time.


That was it. Nothing more.

I am sad today because I know that he won't be coming out of his coma. I am however, content with the fact that my beloved grandparents are waiting for him.

I sit here and wait for the phone to ring. It's not quite dinner time yet and I already know the outcome.

Two weeks

Well, I just nicely got back from two weeks of holidays.

Buster, Kiddo and I headed to the mountains. This was a new thing for all of us. Our first holiday together...all three of us....together.....

We survived....Buster and his lack of communication, Kiddo and her non listening skills and me, the basket case!

We got it all ironed out and it was fabulous. I am looking forward to another adventure - minus the in law drama, their camper, their truck and their bullshit in general. We learned a lesson that we will never, never borrow anything of theirs again and actually realized that in the long run it would have been cheaper to rent a cabin with a kichenette and so forth. I did however take some fantastic pictures.

This past week I spent at the farm.
I have an uncle that is dying from alcoholism....everything is shutting down and it will be only a matter of time before I attend his funeral. In the meantime, he has three children which eventually lost contact with him because of his drinking, he preferred the bottle over his kids. One however, came home this past week to mend fences with the whole family. She brought her two kids and camped out at the farm and we had a great time. She decided that she would go in and visit her dad/my uncle. When we first walked in he didn't know her. He has had no contact with her for over 25 years....but when she told him who he was...well, the water works kicked in and it made a dying man very happy.

The last few days at the farm were very trying for me. Angle and her husband Lorne with three kids also camped out at the farm. He had a temper tantrum many times throughout the week and all those times I kept my mouth shut. The day before I went home was the day the shit finally hit the fan. He threw his last one around me. I said two words to the lot of them and they packed up and left. He was whining because he wanted to go to the lake and there was too much to do at the farm due to rain two days before. There was about 1/2 mile of fence that needed tending too and he just didn't want to be there so he made life miserable. I put my hammer down and told them all to "go". The second time I said it, tears were then streaming down my face and they then left.

This left my mom, who is 70 and my self to build and fix a fence. We worked from 10am and got into the house a little after 7pm. Of course, Angle called her mommy, who then called my mommy, who then proceeded to tell me to calm down and talk to Angle...well, I just wasn't ready to hear the sob story and the excuses....now, because I allowed myself to be mad, I am the bad guy. because I am not ready to listen to the bullshit, I am the bad guy. These past few days after pounding with the sledge over 25 fence posts and putting up a millions miles of barbed wire, page wire and pounding in staples...I am not quite ready to talk to anyone yet. My hands are still swollen and thank heaven I have a tetnus shot!

These two weeks of holidays were very eventful.....

Can't wait til next year!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......

GM

The new GM started today here at my place of lovely work!

Im not sure about her...yet.

She was inquiring about MY job a few months ago and was told that the position was filled and was not about to come open. End of that.

Now, she has applied for the GM position here and is now my new boss.

I am curious as to how this is gonna play out.
Will she tell me how to do my job? Suggestions are fine, you can ask me but DO NOT tell me.
Will she stay out of my area? If she doesnt thats ok, gimme some input, but once again, I know my job, love my job so leave me to do my job.

I am presently, working on the new brochure for this season. I am uninspired right at the moment and am scrapping the whole thing and starting over.

We have some great talent lined up.
I am trying very hard to get Wilma's birthday twin, Bif Naked to come to perform here but she is not touring the month we need her to come. We are still opimistic though....she seems to be a genuine person and that is a good thing!

We are also getting three people who I have been after to come for quite some time as well and that is Valdy and Gary Fjellgaard. Two grass roots folk singers and the brother of Nat King Cole, Mr. Freddy Cole who's voice is spellbinding! I can't wait.

We are also getting The Arrogant Worms, who I have been wanting for awhile too. My wish list this year was granted!

YAY!

Dealing

I'm not sure how to deal with a few things going on, I don't want to say in my life, cuz that sounds too dramatic, but my gut is telling me to be very, very careful.

I'm having a birthday party for Buster on Friday and I am going to be surrounding myself with alot of people that I personally do. not. trust.

My gut is almost in a knot and I am pretty close to being sick about it. I have all these people coming over who have not been very considerate of myself or Buster and still are called "friends" and "famliy".

They are trouble makers, two-facers, liars, and back-stabbers and I have personally got rid of those types of people in my life years ago. I try to surround myself with happy, positive and welcoming, sensitive humans.

I'm actually shaking as I type this, I have gotten myself in such a tizzy. I should know better, but because I offend easily by stupid people, I am on the defensive.

Instead, I will put on a happy face cuz it is for Buster and make the most of it. I only need to be nice, cordial, and only need to give as much as I am given.

I feel really bad that these people that are in Busters life, accept him, of at least I think they do, I have been fooled before, and I have tried to be courteous and polite and still get slapped in the face. They say they are happy for him, that he is finally happy and that I am a warm welcome, but they sure have a funny way of showing it, and Buster is caught int he middle and I hate it. I see in the future a choice may have to be made, but for now, all will be left....simmering.

Because everyone will be at my house, on my territory so to speak, I will give them one last chance. I only do this, because I do love Buster and these people have always been in his life good and bad. So, here goes....

I can not lose sleep over this......

Soooo......

So, what the hell was that about?

Wilma is right...

Tuesday...

Last night, I got a text from the ex about 6pm....6pm!!

Such an asshole. Anyway, that being said, he told me he was swamped with work...sure, ok, and would call me back ASAP! HA!

I will be placing the line bill on the windshield of his truck tomorrow.


Tuesday, is a little better. One of my Great Uncles past away on July 2nd. The man was 91! He was funny, smart and really, really witty! Being an only child, my mom and I along with my grama, headed to Strasbourg ALOT when I was small. I was always with those great aunts and uncles. I never played with the other kids....they kinda scared me...too rowdy and ALWAYS getting into trouble and I really didn't like having my ass tanned on a regular basis, so I didn't go with them, but stayed behind to help out in the kitchen, I mean really, how much help can a 5 year old do!!??

Ok, so I hung out with Great grandpa by the radio and we watched the women prep for...I don't know what, but we were always eating!

My one particular great aunt is not talking to my mom. She hasn't spoken to her since my grama died in 2007, and its over the dumbest thing! We were really, very close to this great aunt too. She stopped talking to my mom, cuz my mom still has my grama's ashes. My mom isn't ready to let go of grama yet, so leave her alone! Whatever.

Anyway, Great Uncle Fred passed away on the 2nd. He will be dearly missed by everyone. He always had a smile on his face and cracked a joke. I'm being selfish right at this moment, but when he gets to heaven, I hope he says Hi to my grama and grapa for me. I went to Uncle Fred's facebook page and there are a few requests on it for him to say hi to various people....he has alot to do up there!!

I also took the initiative today and facebooked the DHV an invitation to Buster's birthday party next Friday. I think its in advance enough.....I guess we'll see!

I'm quite doubtful if any come. My faith in them is not good. My trust in them is nill. My optimism is half empty.

They better prove me wrong!

I can't be nice much longer.

Well where do I start....

The weekend was full of....full of....ummmm. Huh, where do I start....let's start with Friday night.

Buster's mom gave me two free tickets that she won to the H2 Rodeo. Im not a big rodeo fan but like the beer gardens. Way more action in there than in the arena!

Once I got home Friday from work, I was gonna sit on the couch and watch the boob tube. I then texted Buster to see what he was doing and told him I was pondering about going to the rodeo to hook up with the Desperate Housewives of Veg. He encouraged me to go, so I did.

I drove out to H2 and stumbled around trying to find the DHV. There they were. A white truck was backed up, with the tail gate open. I know a tail gate party when I see one. So I walked up, said hi and just stood there. I'd say there was about 20 people around it, only three women that I knew. The three said hi, the one came and asked if I wanted to get a beer with her so away we went.

When we got back, the rodeo was over and the women were gathering things up and they all hopped in the truck leaving me and the other gal standing there. The truck stopped and Poverty opened the door and asked if T wanted a ride over to their camp....ummmm.....I was with T. They only asked T if she wanted a ride.....ummmm...can I come to?

Ok, so mood set. I knew where I stood. T told them that she would walk with me over to the camp site.

Now, really, do you think for one minute, I want to go over there and stay and partay?

So, let's recap.
1). Invited to a DHV candle/Arbonne/food/Jockey party and dissedby Arbonne lady.
2). Thinking about making good, deciding to host a party by inviting all - no one showed.
3). Getting a call from T's mom and giving me hell for not going to her jockey/candle party.
and now
4). Not being asked if I wanted to go to the campsite with them...

Am I being too black and white here?

I just don't think I fit in with these women. I really don't and I feel bad cuz Buster is friends with their husbands, but I just don't think like they do.

SO, I walked with T to the said campsite and the same 20 people were there and when I was done looking at my surroundings, I found that I was standing alone. Everyone was on one side and I, just I on the other. I felt like that out cast little kid in grade one that nobody liked. No one introduced themselves to me and when I approached them, I tried to introduce myself but that fell on deaf ears....I walked away...I left.

I felt like I was intruding.

I then told T that I was heading home and would come on Saturday night....I never went and on my facebook wall, Poverty asked where I was on Saturday and I felt like saying "who cares".

Saturday, I went to a Theatre meeting in Edmonton.
The meeting went fine until the end of it when I had to leave Edmonton.

I got lost.

I called Buster and he and his room mate talked me out of there. I was pissed off, nervous and hungry by the time I got home.

I got home about 7:30 and decided to go for the mail.

What I got in the mail was a bill from the phone company for a line that was dug on my ex's family farm...yup. I got the bill.

I don't even live there AND it was just dug this past month! We split officially in August 09 but were done wwwway before that.

Sunday, was a day of rest.

Today - Monday, I called the phone company, my lawyer, and the ex.

Now, let's see what happens.


Happy Monday to you!

What next!

Dear Buster,
I'm very frustrated this morning. I was frustrated last night already and it spilled over to today.

I don't get to see you for weeks, then the next thing I know is that the family gathering is without me I am ok with that. What I am not ok with is that you know where I am, you know what I am doing and that I am at home waiting for you all . Why can't you pack us both food and have supper with me, rather then me being on my own. If momma told you to jump off the bridge, would you do it? If I told you it was dangerous and not too, would you still listen to her? By the way things are looking, you would listen to her.

Which side you gonna play on?

Don't bring kiddo into this, you know better then that.

Which side you gonna play on?

Why can't you let Kiddo do whatever she needs to do there and you wait?

You want a family unit?

One last time...which side you gonna play on?

Days off

Its been quite a week...and its only Tuesday. Now if I am correct the week begins on Sunday.

Yes, well let's see here.

Sunday, one of two days off.

Sunday, the day was good, the evening bad...Buster continues to roam the house...sleepwalking. you can't argue with a sleepwalker cuz YOU LOSE! I was fuming Monday morning. They can call you all sorts of names, they can resist you from going back to bed, they can argue with you...knowing full well they won't remember....but I do! Fuming, I go back to bed. Fuming, I lie awake while sleepwalking beauty is now in bed snoring!

Now, the law has been put in place. I am now monitoring all that goes down the gullet after supper and before bedtime. I am now monitoring what verbal events happen before bedtime. This is crazy...sleeping beauty wakes up in the morning fresh as a daisy and I have the sleep deprived headache and two huge bags under my eyes and ZERO smiles in the morning.

Monday rolls around and Kiddo and I hang out together for day number 2. All went really well...until we dropped her off with her "mother"....side note: ANYONE can have a kid....anyone, but only special ones are mothers or special ones are fathers....and I gotta say, I havent run into too many special ones in my lifetime. There is always some hiccup or glitch you see while looking in. Guess that's why I havent dipped into that pool.


A rant: verbal diarreha of the mouth...not to be taken anyway by anyone as offensive, insulting or any thing else. Its just something you gotta get off you chest. It doesnt mean you are mad at the person you are ranting too. Its part of communication.

Tuesday, back at work and the benefit is on tonight for something that I am against. I will be here long enough to see that all volunteers are here, then I am outta here.

Wednesday a huge men`s conference...should be interesting...alot of testosterone.

Not fitting in

I'm finding new struggles all the time with this "ready made" family that I have just joined.
I knew it wouldn't be easy, but didn't think I would "see" things this fast either.

I'm finding that I am left out alot of times. I don't think its on purpose just not thinking outside the box on their part. Like "Fairy Mae is working until 5 can we get together after that for that coffee?", or watching a movie together in another room while I am in the other. I feel like I am intruding alot of times. I just need to be asked is all. Maybe I should be the one asking?

Need some help here.

I can watch supernanny till I am blue in the face, but it's not the same.

I feel like I can cook the suppers, make the beds and do the laundry but not truly share together time with the three of us afterwards. I am outside looking in.

Maybe it's because I am an only child and don't know how to participate in family time? I don't know what boundaries I should have.

I see that bed time should not be asked with a question but rather said with a statement. "Do you want to go to bed?" What 5 year old in their right mind is gonna say "yes"! Instead of "bedtime in 5 minutes."

I see that when a child is hungry they will tell you rather then you asking them every ten minutes if they are and the answer the same as before..."no".

I see so many things but am scared to say for fear of an arguement. I am no child rearer, but I do see what is wrong and what is right. My mom and grand parents instilled morals and respect into me. I get it. I really do.

I guess what I feel the most that makes me sad is lack of participation or even credit given.

Over Easter when Buster was sick and kiddo and I went to grams and gramps house, when it was time to fill our plates, I knew enough that kids went first. I got Kiddo's plate and went up and she came with, helping and telling me what she wanted and didn't want. It was when Auntie came along to take the plate from ME to fill Kiddo's plate.

Did I look like I didn't know what I was doing? Hell ya, I knew what I was doing! Kiddo knew too! She took my defence...a 5 year old put Auntie in her place. I chuckled under my breath. "I am a mom and its just natural" she said....thanks lady, that makes me feel better! Now I look like an idiot infront of 20 people. Great!

I remember sittting on the couch as a child watching a brood of children fight, play and tease each other while I watched and observed. It fascinated me.

Now when I see this as an adult, it makes me feel left out. It makes me feel like a reject. Like I am not worthy of fitting in to "their" routine. I am only there for chores. Like a maid, a house servant.

I hate it.

I know its only the beginning but, holy moley, it's gotta get better!!!

WTF?

Never assume my friends, in anything.

If you are unsure....ask. That is the best sure fire way to not have someone mad, hurt or disappointed at/in you. There are so many types of communication now a days that there is just no excuse for it anymore. None.

Pretty black and white to me.

Respect one another.

Sicko Easter

The Easter has not been the greatest. It's been nice but I have had better. Being put into a "step mom" roll has and is an adjustment for me. I have to watch what I say. I have to share. I have to have patience. I can do this, but I also need some encouragement from the other end as well.

This weekend has been a test and right at the moment the two people who I have busted my ass for, the two sickos are right at this moment watching a movie together. After, I have cooked meals, cleaned up vomit, washed bacteria infested bedding, clean bacteria infested floors, tubs and cooked "light" meals for two terribly sensitive stomachs, I now am the outcast.

They decided to watch a new movie that the Easter Bunny brought, which I might add, I was that bunny! They are in the bedroom, both laying on the bed, engrossed in the frog prince or whatever the damn thing is called. I was in the living room watching Celebrity Apprentice. I may have turned off the TV or said ya, sure lets watch it....but I was never asked. So, here I am mulling over my next course of action.

Ya Buster said do you want to watch with us, when I poked my head in to the bedroom to see where they were and what they were doing, but come on....the movie was already on and the bed is a twin....clearly, the outsider, the maid, stays on the out side....this is not the first time....I'm guessing won't be the last.

Am I being too sensitive here, maybe, but the invite when the movie was decided to go on would have been nice right from the start....it's ok. I will carry on and finish the laundry, and go to my room and read.

Tomorrow is yet another holiday.

Seriously, is it really a holiday?

I thought not. Just another Monday.

HSP

For years, I have been told that I am over sensitive. That I take things too personal. That I take things to heart, that I am an overthinker. Believe me, I know this. I am fully aware of these "flaws" that I possess. This is not fun for me.

I have close family and friends that tell me this on a regular basis. I KNOW that I am over sensitive...stop reminding me. Remind yourself instead!

I sat down with someone last week. Someone that is like me. This person and I have become pretty good friends and we chat about our "flaws" quite a bit. I had a light bulb moment.

He made me realize that I am a highly sensitive person and that I should recognize and embrace my personal characteristics, or my "flaws".

I recognize and am affected by a persons mood or aura, well before they even do. I recognize the slightest movements or gestures before the other person realizes they are doing it. I recognize tones in the other persons voice before they ever do. I am a highly sensitive to loud noises and startly very, very easily. I get overwhelmed very easliy and need a "time out" in order to think things over and to regroup.

People misunderstand me at times when I become quiet and withdraw. It's not that I am mad, angry or afraid. I am really just assessing the situation and deciding my next course of action and how I should handle it. Me.

I overthink a situation and then assume it is my fault, I worry. Guess that's why I have an ulcer. I work well by myself so I am not scrutinized by others. I know family and friends and yes even Buster get impatient with me, but, I already have you, all of you, figured out well before you even know you do. After these "flaws" of mine were pointed out to me and was given material to read about it, it made so much sense to me. These "flaws" really aren't a flaw at all but rather a gift that I could use to my advantage.

I am who I am. I can not change this. Try as I might. I just can't .

If you love me.
You will keep this in mind.
If you care about me.
You will have patience with me as I do with you.

What's that saying again??

So, I went to a pretty good meeting this morning on social networking for the job. My 'temp' boss came with me as she likes this stuff too. I am the one who puts together all media advertising, social networking, you name it, if it has to be advertised, I am the one.

We watched today a video that was on UTube. Now, we have been playing with that idea for some time now, do we do a "commercial" persay, do we do a "taping" of a play rehearsal, do we do an "out takes" of funny stuff that happens here....anyway, my temp boss is also on the board of directors as well as a few others. One other board member also attended this meeting as well. After we saw this little video, he stood up and motioned to my boss that, that was something we would have to do, and that she would be the one to get it done.

What am I chopped liver? My temp boss leaned over and said to me, yes we will have to get on this and my response was...I didn't hear my name mentioned!!

I thought is was funny.

She didn't.

We got back to work and since I am directing the play for the Gala in March, and the perfectionist that I am, I want things to start getting in order. My actors are learning their lines quite nicely and now I want to incorporate the music, sound and lighting....I smell sabotage in the works.

One of the people that I hate just so happens to be in Vancouver doing lights for some of the shows for the Olympics ( We'll never hear the end of this!), I say the father away the better. He will just be getting back from there when my show really gets tight....and really, I don't want him anywhere near my set, my actors or me! But such is life.... He, in Vancouver has instructed all of the back stage crew to NOT help me. For them not to touch the lights, not to touch the sound board, not to help me with anything...how can one person have such a strong hold on others? Well, really I just got out of relationship like that so I understand, but my thing is, is if he's not here...how will he know?

I don't want this show to be some half wit, concoction. I want it to be professional, snazzy and I want people to talk about it and in a good way.

This guy really picks my a$$.

Now, I am waiting for the Artist in Residence and another woman to show up and we will be hitting the cafetieria in the college to see what we can do for the decorations. I would like the cafeteria to have an eerie, dark Englich Pub feel for the pre-gala event. I have piped in an 8 minute song from The Shining to be played down there and right before the curtain goe up. I am really getting excited about this, now if I just had some help from the tech end all would be well....

Ahhh, for tomorrow's events!!!