Shy

Well, I look back and I was shy, yes shy. I still am to a degree. Some people take me for being bitchy, but basically, it is just being shy. I'm quiet until I get to know you, then you can't shut me up. I'm not smart. I'm not completely stupid. I think I am just regular. Nothing exceptional, nothing dissappointing.


Shy
–adjective
1.
bashful; retiring.
2.
easily frightened away; timid.
3.
suspicious; distrustful: I am a bit shy of that sort of person.
4.
reluctant; wary.


I am one of those people who don't normally go into a crowded room, guns a-blazin', making everyone aware that I have arrived. I am also not one of those people who go running to see the attention getter either. I am also not one of those people to start a conversation. I will join in, but will never start one.

I am one of those people who will not eat by themselves. I will order room service instead and eat in my room, or order take out and go back to my office.

I have just recently started to venture out on my own. I did go to a movie by myself. Kinda scary, but liberating too. I do go walk on the track at the gym by myself. I go with my MP3 player and listen to music as I walk. I'm not comfortable doing it, but I go.

Last week, I went by myself to a ladies workout class. I knew no one and it was really scary. I'm not sure I'll do it again.

I am supposed to go to Festival in April. I am meeting up with my friends but am not able to sit with them. In fact, I have no idea where they will be sitting and it scares me. I will be arriving late on Wednesday night and will most likely meet them at the green room. I love them to death, and I know its good for me to go by myself, but I know they just don't get it. They don't get that I would sooner curl up in a ball in the corner than have all eyes turn and watch me walk in. I know that doesn't happen, but that's what I perceive happens.
They are very confident people, at least to me they are, and I just don't know if they don't get it (cuz they don't think like that) or just don't have the patience for it.

It IS different on stage or infront of a camera. You are not you. You are your character, and if you do your homework right on your character, it is easy to be someone else. You "become" that character. Some people may beg to differ, but I have been on stage for many years, in many different costumes, some I would not be caught dead in, in "real" life!

Anyway, Since I have been on my own now for a few years, I am kinda getting set in my ways, and this is one way I am really not fond to be in. Not liking large crowds, not liking a sense of not being found. Getting lost. Never being found. Its a horrible feeling.

Must work on getting out by myself more. I guess going in April to Festival, may be a good start.

I know some people would say that I don't project those feelings at all. Well, I may not look it on the outside. Its a pretty good front! But on the inside, I am about ready to die a thousand deaths.

Well, gotta start somewhere! Right?!