Changes.

I remember when I was about four and my mom dropped the babysitter and I off at the new Flintstones' movie at the theater uptown. I had serious abandonment issues when I was little, with "the father" dumping us and plus I was on meds that were not "meshing", so I was not only messed up emotionally, but my drugs were working against me as well.

After mom dropped us off, she had some shopping to do uptown. I knew she would be at the Co-op. The babysitter and I went in, bought tickets, sat down, and she took off her jacket and was about to take off mine, when I went into this "fit". I bolted. I ran out of the movie theater and ran, and ran. Now this is small town Saskatchewan and everybody knew everybody.

I ran, and ran scream crying down the sidewalk, screaming for my mom. My arms were outstretched in front of me and it seemed like I ran forever. My babysitter caught up with me and I was hysterical. She caught me at the corner of the 4-way stop. I remember people just staring at me like I was nuts. I was hollering for my mom and for her not to leave me.

At 37, in my head, I still feel like I am running. Scream crying with my arms out infront of me, not knowing where to go, having no idea on how to get there. I am not sure "where" is.

Lost.

I always feel lost.



I gotta make some changes 'round here.

Today is the day.