Found Again

Well, here I am again. I lost you but now I've found you again. I've missed you blogger. So much has happened yet again. I've lost 3/4 of my family and have only my mother left. My uncle Danny passed October 29th. Another uncle lost to alcoholism. It's nonsense. It's unfair. It's shitty. I want to throw a tantrum but I know they can not come back. I know I will only be able to see them in my dreams. It's not fair.

I AM ALIVE!!

I am alive...I really am...really!
Since my last good grief post...I quit at the newspaper...$7.92/hour.  Heavens, I was going backwards again.  I am at a new job which I love.  I work for a chef/chocolatier in a dessert shoppe.  I am the front end manager/bulldog and I could'nt be happier.

I got married in July to Buster Brown and have it pretty damn good.

I joined a reletively new company - 3 years old- a jewelry company.  Stella & Dot.  Its higher end boutique style jewelry that has .925 silver, 14-18k gold plating, uses real stones, pearls and other metals.  I now have 2 stylists under me and things are really running along. 

I am also about to open a few new doors in the community too.  I am founding an Arts Council and resurrecting the community theatre.  I have the ball rolling already for the Arts Council and once that gets up and running then I will get cracking with the theatre. 

 I am about to head to the BIG city on Sunday for 3 days with 4 of my cousins.  I plan to relax, have a few drinks and lots of laughs.  While we are there, I am planning to go to the Poshy Hotel for food and drinks as I have been getting to know the chefs there through my work.  Not sure what they have in store for us but...it should be good!

Apparently

I'm trying to stay positive...I really am.

I can't seem to catch up with this new job change paying me less...way less then before...Im not a wealthy person.  I do live from pay check to pay check and that has only been lately as I have been socking the so called extra money I get into a retirement plan...do I get kudos for that...nope.  Hell I could take it out and spend it!!
I was just offered a way better paying job, one that I will enjoy.  I asked if I could work a 10 hour shift instead.  I was told no because of the way the business and staff work and instead was offered a dollar more...who can argue with that...apparently that is not good enough for some people.  IT can't get any better than that...and I can take days off to help with another catering job that pays great too!!

Not good enough...apparently. 

What I do get is a verbal shit kicking.  Does this at all help any situation??  I think not.  Does this make me feel like "well, then what the fuck am I doing then?"...you bet.

I feel like I first got married at 19 again.  I feel like a 12 year old having to account for every penny of my allowance...did I realize that getting a divorce would leave me pretty much homeless with no place to live much less food on the table...oh, wait, what table....I didn't have that either!!  I did not ask for any of that.  Hell, I didn't even have enough money to move back home!!

What I did do was learn how to get a job, rent a one bedroom apartment, get a bed, a table and a deep freeze.  Learn how to pay a bill - because that I did not even know how to do - and because I was the one at fault for the divorce, I am still paying for it.  Oh, my GOD, I am still paying for it.

I'm not asking others to help me out.  Never did, never will.

Do not continue to badger me about my finances.  I did not lead a charmed life.  I was not taught how to budget or figure out finances properly until I was in my mid 30's and holy crap, I think I am doing pretty damn good.....others may not think so, but I am self sufficient.  I am not asking for hand outs.  I am not living at a shelter.  I can stand on my own two feet thank you.  Stop telling me what  crappy job I am doing and instead let me know how well I am doing.  I know I still have debt.  It may take me many years to get rid of it all, but it's my debt.  I don't harp about yours or anyone else's.  I don't tell you what you need or want. 

I know that difference between needs and wants.

What I want is some kind gentle advice or help, maybe a pat on the back. 
What I don't need is to be preached or bitched at about it.

I tried...I really did.
I can't go home this weekend.
I have decided to take advantage of my certificates....the certificates that I have held for so many years...
I have found the one place I think will fit.

I got my pay check yesterday and have come to the conclusion that salary plus commission is not all it cracked up to be. I busted my butt for the last month an a half and I was shocked when I got my pay check.  Not only that but on commission you never know from one day to the next if your even gonna sell anything...and there is a company car here for use with one exception...I can't use it!?  As sales consultant, I have to drive to a couple of different towns...gas went up as well to $1.16/litre...so my travel time will be cut short. How am I to make sales if I can't get anything sold??      

 I don't know either.

I was offered a job yesterday for more pay and one that will be offering a consistent paycheck..no guess work.  It also involves something that I love to do which is cook, bake and decorate!...and Gordon Ramsay. 

I am giving it the weekend to think about this new job offer, since I am not going home due to the lack of funds from the pay at my recent job.  I was disappointed as was my mom.  I have called the realtor and she is going over to my Uncles to assess the house.

In the meantime....I am heading over this afternoon to take another stab at cake decorating, baking and chocolate cigar wrapping...

Going home

Im going to try to hit for home this weekend. I am about to put up my Uncles house and property for sale. I've had it with the family and their incredible stupidity in this whole crappy situation. Since I am the executor of the Estate, I am making theeee final decision. My mom and myself have done nothing but pay for this and the dead man is still laughing from the grave... See ya on the other side Uncle Billy...I have a few things to say....

A play

THis week is a big one. The Board at my old job goes in for their meeting about the two people I hate for bullying me and harassing me at work. I have give all documentation, a list of laws from the Canadian Standards Board and just two days ago, received yet another email about the slander that is still going on there about me. I was wild. I emailed the one board member who has known about this for awhile now and told her about the email I just got and told her that if she didn't nip the talk about me in the bud, I would take them to court for slander. I'm done with this crap. I last went to ex-work January 7th. It is now end of March and Im still the talk of the theatre. I have been ousted from my presidency on one board...the Gala. I have been ever so nicely asked to leave my baby - The Players. My best friend co-wrote a play that I was dying to do - to direct, and now can no longer direct it. I'm heatbroken....sad and oh so disappointed. And really, really pissed off....the line was crossed. The board member who made that all possible is the one who continues to cover for the bullies. Do people not think that I still have friends there who tell me all of this? People are so stupid...you can't fix stupid folks.

Its been one week

I decided to take on a second job. I decided to go where I thought would be a fun kinda place to work. Turns out it was more dangerous than fun. I decided to work at a very well known monster chain - a chain Bruno boycots. I was put in the jewellry department - how hard can that be? Change watch batteries, take out links, organize the stands...blah, blah, blah...turns out last Saturday was my last. One paycheck and my letter of resignation. Last Saturday was hell. I find out that it is both the associates and the customers are not all there...when you seel the photos floating around through your personal emails of the people who shop there...believe it! An associate who worked in electronics came by my department with a little girl and a mom. They were looking for little girl socks....hmmm....if the electronic girl had looked to see that across from her department was the little girls socks none of this day would have transpired...not to mention it was double full moon night...ugh. After the two were dumped off in my department I took the two to the footwear section. I stopped with the mom to see the size of the girls feet...and in a split second from looking up to taking a step forward...BAMMMM I smacked head first into a cement pillar in the middle of the walking aisle. I bounced off of it and for the first time in my life my nose bled. Now, I don't know if the rest of you know this, but in a gigantic chain store like this one...if there is blood in the aisle...you literally have to suit up in a BIO HAZARD outfit!...there is protocol and procedure, bags and gloves, face masks and splash proof gear! I ran to the ladies filtting room with an armload of papertowel. Got myself cleaned up and headed to the office to write up an incident report. It is so crazy in that store, that when I slammed my face at 10:30am, I was back on the floor by 11:30 am with still no report done up. A black eye, a flattened nose, and a head ache from hell. I should have been sent to the hospital, I should have been sent home, instead I went back to work. By about 3:30 that afternoon, I was helping a customer pull off a bauble necklace from a stand. She was an elderly but fiesty little lady and we were talking jewellry....just then a fat woman riding a motorized cart came around the corner and ran myself and the lady right over. The lady fell onto me and the fat woman drove up my leg....there goes another incident report. I left work at 4pm. I. Was. Done. A broken nose and a black and blue leg...all in one day. Monday, I went to the doctor about my nose...he complimented my on putting it back in place...ugh. Its been one week now. My nose still hurts and my bruise is fading and my stint at the big chain is painfully over... I start my new second job this week.... Working for a master chocolatier!! I can't wait!

Only Child Syndrome

Only Child Syndrome has graced my presence again. I hate it. I have no one to talked to. I don't want to stress out my mom, with her health still not great. I don't want to talk to my cousin cuz...well I just don't want to. I don't want to talk to my aunt even though she is a wise woman, well its just still not the same, still not my mom. Turns out that if I try to talk to Buster, the person I should be able to talk to about anything...well, it turns out I can't. I end up getting yelled at and and called a nag.

Trying to talk to him is like trying to talk a jumper jumping off a building but he's already jumped...useless. I am frustrated and extremely disappointed and in turn have been deemed a nag!! A nag?! Thanks...all because I want to know if one of my conditions to this relationship has been dumped. One of the conditions is to eventually get my horses back.


I am extremely disappointed.

I fucking hate being an only child.

Mexico

I must say this trip to Mexico was wonderful. I was with my honey and my friends..it was heaven. The shopping was great and the trips we went on were exciting. Mismaloya is on the map for the movie "Night of the Iguana" and "Predator". We visited both remaining sets and had a blast. The Night of the Iguana is just off to the side of a great beach area in Mismaloya and "Predator" is about an hour on horseback up the mountain. At the "Predator" set is a great restaurant where we had a fabulous shrimp meal and a beautiful tropical song sang to us by the sweetest little Mexican man. "Be-de-be-de-be, Bun-da-bun-da buh" was the chorus he sang and it still remains in my head. We went zip lining with 16 people in on our tour and 10 of them were "princesses" in regualr clothes and it truly was a great time as well. I fed two different types of monkeys - all whom had no problems jumping on me to eat the strawberry yogurt, which made me late catching the tour bus...oops!



We bought jewellry from the local people and had our refreshments at a restaurant that belonged to a man named Noah. I must not forget to mention the ever-so-wonderful full body massages. They were welcomed. I had two!! I only managed to burn one day and didnt even peel!! Yup, this white girl turned brown!!

Well, now Im only a sickly yellow!

Where to begin....

ITs been so long since my last post....the time has gone by quickly. Many things have happened.

- mom had open heart surgery the last part of January. She had a valve replaced and one repaired. During that time, I went home to look after the farm and travelled over two hours (one way only) every second day to go see her. Before I went home, the tramsmission on my car went and had to go to the shop, where I had a melt down in order for them to give me a loaner to go back home...this thing was a gas guzzler! They gave me a truck and were kind enough to let me have it for as long as I needed. It was very nice of them!!!

- while tending to the farm, some asshole proceeded to take advantage of my mom being in the hospital by calling the SPCA and reporting us for having 4 dead horses in the yard and that the horses were being neglected because whomever it was that called the SPCA, knew my mom was in the hospital, but had no clue that I was home....or so I thought. I have since found out who called the animal rights people and have not spoken to that person since...did the SPCA find anything at the farm you ask? NO. Does the person who called SPCA know that I know they called them...NO. I am just waiting for them to slip up.

- during this time, with mom in the hospital and the SPCA on my back, I had a phone call from a Welfare case worker. After my uncle died - Im the executor - he left in the will that his girlfriend would live in the house as long as bills were paid and the yard was looked after. IN the meantime, the girlfriend got sick and was very close to death, but was being looked after by her family....so I thought. I get a call from the bank saying that if the mortgage on the house was not paid in 45 days the house would go into foreclosure. I freaked. I called the daughter of my uncles girlfriend and nothing was looked after, no bills paid, no mortage paid...nothing. I immediately called the lawyer handling my uncles estate. In the meantime, the daughter went to welfare and told them the only way her mom/my uncles girlfriend could move back in to the house is if the furnace got replaced. While that was going on, the daughter called me and told me her mom is moving in with her and her husband, which meant I got stuck with the bills and the mortage...I was furious! All of a sudden, I get a call from a welfare case worker inquiring about installing a furnace at my uncles house. I was perplexed as was the case worker when I told her that my uncles girlfriend was moving in with her daughter...the case worker told me that the house was the daughters and she was re-renting the house back out! I lost it! The daughter managed to get all the bills but into her name - the power, the telephone, the electric...everything and was indeed planning to re-rent the house out.

I called the lawyer...I was wayyyy in over my head.

Let's recap....mom - heart surgery
my car - no tranny
SPCA - animal abuse
sneaky daughter - illegally renting a property not belonging to her
anything else???

OH ya, did I forget to mention, that I was planning on getting married?
WHile all of this is going on, we booked a vacation with Wilma and her better half, and Bruno, with his better half plus myself and my better half!

AND.....I managed in the meantime to get half the herd sold, we went from 31 horses to 16! Managed to get my cousin to start paying her share of the feed bill and managed to get my lazy-assed Aunt to get rid of her horses that she abandoned leaving my mom to look after!!

I did however lose my marbles, once again and had to see the doc for stronger happy pills. He said that I endured events that should have happened to a person within a 2 year span - happen in two weeks. By the time Mexico rolled around, my shakes disappeared but my food was not able to stay down all the time.

I think through all of this the one thing that I will remember is that one particular day that I went to see my mom, my gut told me to take someone with. I asked a family friend if she wanted to come and she did. When it was time for us to leave - visiting hours had ended. My mom was sitting in her chair saying see ya later and all of a sudden, she fell over.

Her eyes...I will never forget her eyes as long as I live.

I was with my grama when she passed. It was peaceful. I was content.

My mom - that was terrifiying. She slumped over in her chair and you could see, you could literally see the life leave her eyes. Laurie (the friend), caught her, while I started screaming to the nurses..."my mom, my mom, you have to help my mom"...there was a sea of blue in her room. Nurses, doctors...all surrounding my mom. Laurie was shoved out the door and I somehow was trapped in the room...I think I black out, the next thing I remember was seeing the crash cart in the the room and I....thats all I remember....I then remember being in a room with Laurie and another couple. I would not calm down, I didnt want to sit. I wanted to die.
This other woman came over to help Laurie with me and a nurse rushed in, grabbed me and Laurie and took us to a quiet room. A social worker walked in and gave us water...what seemed like only a few seconds was actually 15 minutes. A nurse stuck her head in the room and finally told us they had a pulse. 5 minutes later we went in to see my mom.

Because I am such a believer in the afterlife, and after I told my mom that she scared the hell out of me and to never do that again, I asked her what she saw.

She said the only thing she remembers is the blackness and hearing the panic in my voice, calling the nurses and the next thing waking up and seeing all the nursing staff around her.

February 2-12 was Mexico
We spent two fabulous weeks in a beautiful house called Casa Azul Profundo
The staff was wonderful, the days were bright and sunny and I was with 5 of my best friends.
We went zip lining, horse back riding, shopping, fishing and OH it was welcomed!!!

and so ends the first chapter.....

January clean up

Today is a little better. I still have not yet located my smile. I think it may still be under the Christmas tree. I may find it once its put away. My girl is having surgery this morning and I will be able to pick her up after dinner. I am trying to get all things tidied and in order before she comes home so I can spend some sympathy time with her later today.

The laundry is underway, the floors swept, now its time to tackle the decorations. I may just leave the hand made snow flakes up though.

I will call the hospital later today to check on mom...it makes me laugh when I call...there is always someone there visiting...that's a good thing.

I am slowly packing for the trip to Mexico although my heart is not there to go yet. Its less than a month away....where does the time go!?

No name

I've sent in my resume to I don't know how many people. My tranny on the escape has decided to give me grief - thank you warranty! My mother is having open heart surgery on what looks like now Tuesday, my horse died, and now my dog broke her leg. Is this my fault I ask?

Is any of this my fault? Bad karma maybe but never asked for. Im sick to fucking death of trying to please every one and trying to be the good guy. Im sick to death of others shit attitute. Hey, I'm just trying to get through one more fucking day. Get off my back, treat me with some respect. If I'm such a pain in the ass then let me know so I can fix that. If I'm such a miserable SOB to work with then let me know so I can fix that. If I'm such an idiot, then let me know so I can fix that..don't know if that can be fixed...? If I'm not pulling my weight or if I am being a burden then by all means, let me fix that.

The boss says Fairy, take the day off tomorrow and get your self together. Really? What more can I possible get together? No matter what I touch, no matter what I say or feel, I am falling apart and no happy pill in the world is gonna help me get back together.



I'm sick of having others have a shit day or shit news and treating me like this is all my doing. I'm sick of travelling with moody road partners, I'm sick of being told what is mine and what isn't . I'm sick, fed up and have had it. I double dog dare just one more person to make my day a disaster with their attitude or crap words. I demand respect and kindness. I want it and I want it from now on. Period.

I'm stressed out, a nervous wreck and ready to fly....so DON'T piss me off. I really, really, from the bottom of my heart, mean it.

..... and on top of it all...these feelings really scare the hell out of me.

Happy New Year

Well, December 4, 2010 was a great time. I attended Busters Christmas Party which was held at the River Cree in Edmonton. We ate, gambled and had some lovely refreshments! I gambled away all the winnings that Buster was making!!

My Christmas party was December 12th, 2010. We ended up going to a restaurant for food and drink. It was a nice time but very, very tame compared to Busters!!

I have had it at work and am now on the hunt for a new job here in Veg. I have put in for so many jobs that I am losing count! I am hopeful though that something will come along.

Buster came home with me on the 22nd and was introduced to all of my weird and wacky friends and family. The 25th came and mom was taken to the hospital due to shortness of breath while Angle and I played Santa and Elf to all the residents of the hospital and lodge and nursing home.

The 27th Buster and I came home and two days later mom was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and rapid heart beat...its now the 3rd of January and she is now in the city hospital with a leaky heart valve and booked in for open heart surgery late this week. I will take a drive down once I know more. Yesterday my beloved horse of 26 glorious wonderful years passed away and that was the icing on the cake....

I lost it Berline yesterday....poor Buster I don't think knew what to make of it all.
With the crap going on at work, me trying to find a job, mom being very sick and then the horse dying, well that was all I could take.

Today is a better day.

I'm not sure though that if I lose my mom just what will happen to me. I have Buster...I think I'll keep him but mom is the last of my immediate family. I will then ultimately be 100% alone.

I just keep my chin up and keep my spirits up talking to mom. I have to. My heart hurts to much to think of the worst.

Tomorrow will be another day..tomorrow will be a better day.

Prayers

Well, the next step from here is up.

Im cranky, upset, and just don't want to be here at this job any more. I have given three years, and for what?
I have been disrespected by the tech and stage manager on more than one occasion...nothing has ever been done. They tech manager is padding his hours...what?...yes, he still works here.
The stage manager is rude, and obnoxious and that is to clients as well. He decided to use one of my ornaments as a hammer to "tack" down a piece of tile that was sticking up in the office and broke my ornament. Too lazy to get a hammer? I know, let's use one of Fairy Mae's things to use...I don't like her anyway...
I have been asked to leave the stage area on more than one occasion, eventhough I was in there to do my job. I have been bullied long enough.
I can not continue this. I mentally can not take the crap anymore. When I bring this up to the former acting manager, who is a board memeber, I get "we'll look into it." When Rodney broke my ornament and they all stood there and watched, I got "you sould be use to him by now." I didn't get an apology...nothing.

I have informed my new boss, that I am checking out. I will no longer be nice to Rodney, so don't look for it, don't expect it. I am looking for another job.

It makes me very sad to know that I went from loving this job, all the marketing ideas, the avenues it opened, the great people I have met along the way, the childhood mentors I was able to meet like Valdy and Tommy Hunter, my love for music, theatre and dance - gone. Soured. Made all possible first and foremost, by two assholes that still and I would imagine will always work here, chasing away the people who want to work here, want to be here. Soured, from working my ass 12 hours straight for three or more weeks in a row, no thank you, kiss my ass, or go to hell, with no relief help, soured from endless gas mileage from not having any days off...just fed up and soured.

Its just too sad and it breaks my heart.

Thank you Rodney and John for being such a pain in my lily white ass for 3 years...you have earned it. I hope you make others around miserable until the board finally realizes its you, and then justice will prevail.

Amen...

Ten Commandments

I understand the ten commandments.

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17)
1	“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2	“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3	“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4	“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5	“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6	“You shall not murder.
7	“You shall not commit adultery.
8	“You shall not steal.
9	“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10	“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's

Does this cover not having any chocolate, potato chips, candy or pop, popcorn with butter and salt, or an extra helping of potatoes and gravy ?

Drama

I want to be a kid again because the only drama I faced was every once in awhile my Barbie's head would pop off.

Billy The Exterminator

I had a night off last night!!!

I was pretty excited...the GM said "go home Fairy Mae..." and Fairy Mae left on a dead run out the door.

I thought Buster and I could catch a bit of Billy when I got home, but alas they were all re-runs...

Im kinda stuck of some of that reality TV...its a shame really, but thats all thats ever on anymore when I get home.

The Amazing Race, Survivor, Billy, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares...ugggh. Can it be?

I really love Big Bang Theory but I can never catch it on time. Bones, Lie to Me, Law & Order UK and Los Angeles. I find if I miss too many, I can't catch up...

Do I really watch that much? I admit that I do have the TV on most of the time, but lots of times I am doing something else in another room and like it on for noise sake.

I did watch a movie the other day with a dog as the main character. I was about to change the channel when my dog, Effie caught sight of it and then I had to leave it there for her to watch. Since when does a dog lay infront of the TV and watch a two hour movie?

Seriously.

Something's Got to Give....

My days turn into evenings here at work...there has been a new GM, but nothing seems to be changing.

I'm burnt out, grouchy and have started to look for other job opportunities...it makes me so sad because I really do love my job. Last night I had yet another childhood dream fulfilled and knowing that this may never happen any more literally breaks my heart.

The GM is here, but seems to not be able to stand her ground in rule changes around here. She wants to impliment them but with such a strong presence around us, it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel grows farther and farther away. I am not sure how much more of these long, long days I can put in mentally and I know the new GM, won't stand for it. My worries are now that we seem to be at a stand still, she will quit.

I have my performance review on Monday and I am skeptical at this point that there will be changes. The GM knows where I am coming from but if I don't see changes to my work schedule and a raise then I really will have to put my nose to the grind and find another job...and that, I am not looking forward to.

Ugh.

November 11, 2010

For you.....

Ranting: conversations in a group

Ive noticed a while ago that when I attend a function, a gathering, or a group large or small, that if I am not included in the conversation, I end up zoning out or walking away.

You can't be mad at me because I've done my best to fit in with a nod or a grunt...you can't fault me for zoning out or walking away...you've done nothing to me? I've done nothing to you!

So, why get annoyed with me when you don't get the answer from me you want when I have no idea what you were talking about. I may have been there in body but unless you look at me when talking to others and include me in that particular conversation, then and only then will I indulge in the gathering, group or likewise...geez

I'm getting used to not being included in conversations, gatherings and so forth...does it bother me? A little. It makes me feel invisible. It makes me feel like in not worthy of your time.
If it makes me feel like that, why stay? If it makes me feel bad about myself and makes me feel useless, why would I allow myself to stay in that situation. You don't want to talk to me and include me, thats your deal, but don't get pissy when I do it to you! Kinda hurts the soul a wee bit.

SO think about it in your next group type setting....make sure you say hi to everyone and include them in your conversation, even if you don't know their names. They are there for a reason.

Make them feel welcome too.