Found Again

Well, here I am again. I lost you but now I've found you again. I've missed you blogger. So much has happened yet again. I've lost 3/4 of my family and have only my mother left. My uncle Danny passed October 29th. Another uncle lost to alcoholism. It's nonsense. It's unfair. It's shitty. I want to throw a tantrum but I know they can not come back. I know I will only be able to see them in my dreams. It's not fair.

I AM ALIVE!!

I am alive...I really am...really!
Since my last good grief post...I quit at the newspaper...$7.92/hour.  Heavens, I was going backwards again.  I am at a new job which I love.  I work for a chef/chocolatier in a dessert shoppe.  I am the front end manager/bulldog and I could'nt be happier.

I got married in July to Buster Brown and have it pretty damn good.

I joined a reletively new company - 3 years old- a jewelry company.  Stella & Dot.  Its higher end boutique style jewelry that has .925 silver, 14-18k gold plating, uses real stones, pearls and other metals.  I now have 2 stylists under me and things are really running along. 

I am also about to open a few new doors in the community too.  I am founding an Arts Council and resurrecting the community theatre.  I have the ball rolling already for the Arts Council and once that gets up and running then I will get cracking with the theatre. 

 I am about to head to the BIG city on Sunday for 3 days with 4 of my cousins.  I plan to relax, have a few drinks and lots of laughs.  While we are there, I am planning to go to the Poshy Hotel for food and drinks as I have been getting to know the chefs there through my work.  Not sure what they have in store for us but...it should be good!

Apparently

I'm trying to stay positive...I really am.

I can't seem to catch up with this new job change paying me less...way less then before...Im not a wealthy person.  I do live from pay check to pay check and that has only been lately as I have been socking the so called extra money I get into a retirement plan...do I get kudos for that...nope.  Hell I could take it out and spend it!!
I was just offered a way better paying job, one that I will enjoy.  I asked if I could work a 10 hour shift instead.  I was told no because of the way the business and staff work and instead was offered a dollar more...who can argue with that...apparently that is not good enough for some people.  IT can't get any better than that...and I can take days off to help with another catering job that pays great too!!

Not good enough...apparently. 

What I do get is a verbal shit kicking.  Does this at all help any situation??  I think not.  Does this make me feel like "well, then what the fuck am I doing then?"...you bet.

I feel like I first got married at 19 again.  I feel like a 12 year old having to account for every penny of my allowance...did I realize that getting a divorce would leave me pretty much homeless with no place to live much less food on the table...oh, wait, what table....I didn't have that either!!  I did not ask for any of that.  Hell, I didn't even have enough money to move back home!!

What I did do was learn how to get a job, rent a one bedroom apartment, get a bed, a table and a deep freeze.  Learn how to pay a bill - because that I did not even know how to do - and because I was the one at fault for the divorce, I am still paying for it.  Oh, my GOD, I am still paying for it.

I'm not asking others to help me out.  Never did, never will.

Do not continue to badger me about my finances.  I did not lead a charmed life.  I was not taught how to budget or figure out finances properly until I was in my mid 30's and holy crap, I think I am doing pretty damn good.....others may not think so, but I am self sufficient.  I am not asking for hand outs.  I am not living at a shelter.  I can stand on my own two feet thank you.  Stop telling me what  crappy job I am doing and instead let me know how well I am doing.  I know I still have debt.  It may take me many years to get rid of it all, but it's my debt.  I don't harp about yours or anyone else's.  I don't tell you what you need or want. 

I know that difference between needs and wants.

What I want is some kind gentle advice or help, maybe a pat on the back. 
What I don't need is to be preached or bitched at about it.

I tried...I really did.
I can't go home this weekend.
I have decided to take advantage of my certificates....the certificates that I have held for so many years...
I have found the one place I think will fit.

I got my pay check yesterday and have come to the conclusion that salary plus commission is not all it cracked up to be. I busted my butt for the last month an a half and I was shocked when I got my pay check.  Not only that but on commission you never know from one day to the next if your even gonna sell anything...and there is a company car here for use with one exception...I can't use it!?  As sales consultant, I have to drive to a couple of different towns...gas went up as well to $1.16/litre...so my travel time will be cut short. How am I to make sales if I can't get anything sold??      

 I don't know either.

I was offered a job yesterday for more pay and one that will be offering a consistent paycheck..no guess work.  It also involves something that I love to do which is cook, bake and decorate!...and Gordon Ramsay. 

I am giving it the weekend to think about this new job offer, since I am not going home due to the lack of funds from the pay at my recent job.  I was disappointed as was my mom.  I have called the realtor and she is going over to my Uncles to assess the house.

In the meantime....I am heading over this afternoon to take another stab at cake decorating, baking and chocolate cigar wrapping...

Going home

Im going to try to hit for home this weekend. I am about to put up my Uncles house and property for sale. I've had it with the family and their incredible stupidity in this whole crappy situation. Since I am the executor of the Estate, I am making theeee final decision. My mom and myself have done nothing but pay for this and the dead man is still laughing from the grave... See ya on the other side Uncle Billy...I have a few things to say....

A play

THis week is a big one. The Board at my old job goes in for their meeting about the two people I hate for bullying me and harassing me at work. I have give all documentation, a list of laws from the Canadian Standards Board and just two days ago, received yet another email about the slander that is still going on there about me. I was wild. I emailed the one board member who has known about this for awhile now and told her about the email I just got and told her that if she didn't nip the talk about me in the bud, I would take them to court for slander. I'm done with this crap. I last went to ex-work January 7th. It is now end of March and Im still the talk of the theatre. I have been ousted from my presidency on one board...the Gala. I have been ever so nicely asked to leave my baby - The Players. My best friend co-wrote a play that I was dying to do - to direct, and now can no longer direct it. I'm heatbroken....sad and oh so disappointed. And really, really pissed off....the line was crossed. The board member who made that all possible is the one who continues to cover for the bullies. Do people not think that I still have friends there who tell me all of this? People are so stupid...you can't fix stupid folks.

Its been one week

I decided to take on a second job. I decided to go where I thought would be a fun kinda place to work. Turns out it was more dangerous than fun. I decided to work at a very well known monster chain - a chain Bruno boycots. I was put in the jewellry department - how hard can that be? Change watch batteries, take out links, organize the stands...blah, blah, blah...turns out last Saturday was my last. One paycheck and my letter of resignation. Last Saturday was hell. I find out that it is both the associates and the customers are not all there...when you seel the photos floating around through your personal emails of the people who shop there...believe it! An associate who worked in electronics came by my department with a little girl and a mom. They were looking for little girl socks....hmmm....if the electronic girl had looked to see that across from her department was the little girls socks none of this day would have transpired...not to mention it was double full moon night...ugh. After the two were dumped off in my department I took the two to the footwear section. I stopped with the mom to see the size of the girls feet...and in a split second from looking up to taking a step forward...BAMMMM I smacked head first into a cement pillar in the middle of the walking aisle. I bounced off of it and for the first time in my life my nose bled. Now, I don't know if the rest of you know this, but in a gigantic chain store like this one...if there is blood in the aisle...you literally have to suit up in a BIO HAZARD outfit!...there is protocol and procedure, bags and gloves, face masks and splash proof gear! I ran to the ladies filtting room with an armload of papertowel. Got myself cleaned up and headed to the office to write up an incident report. It is so crazy in that store, that when I slammed my face at 10:30am, I was back on the floor by 11:30 am with still no report done up. A black eye, a flattened nose, and a head ache from hell. I should have been sent to the hospital, I should have been sent home, instead I went back to work. By about 3:30 that afternoon, I was helping a customer pull off a bauble necklace from a stand. She was an elderly but fiesty little lady and we were talking jewellry....just then a fat woman riding a motorized cart came around the corner and ran myself and the lady right over. The lady fell onto me and the fat woman drove up my leg....there goes another incident report. I left work at 4pm. I. Was. Done. A broken nose and a black and blue leg...all in one day. Monday, I went to the doctor about my nose...he complimented my on putting it back in place...ugh. Its been one week now. My nose still hurts and my bruise is fading and my stint at the big chain is painfully over... I start my new second job this week.... Working for a master chocolatier!! I can't wait!

Only Child Syndrome

Only Child Syndrome has graced my presence again. I hate it. I have no one to talked to. I don't want to stress out my mom, with her health still not great. I don't want to talk to my cousin cuz...well I just don't want to. I don't want to talk to my aunt even though she is a wise woman, well its just still not the same, still not my mom. Turns out that if I try to talk to Buster, the person I should be able to talk to about anything...well, it turns out I can't. I end up getting yelled at and and called a nag.

Trying to talk to him is like trying to talk a jumper jumping off a building but he's already jumped...useless. I am frustrated and extremely disappointed and in turn have been deemed a nag!! A nag?! Thanks...all because I want to know if one of my conditions to this relationship has been dumped. One of the conditions is to eventually get my horses back.


I am extremely disappointed.

I fucking hate being an only child.