The Last Straw

It finally happened....I went off the deep end last night. I cried and cried and cried and no matter what poor Legs tried to do to offer help, it couldn't be done. I cried so hard that I was literally gasping for breath. I just couldn't get enough air in my lungs and was at the point that it didn't matter. I didn't care if I took another breath, which scared the hell out of Legs. He has never seen me do this...ever! I have been feeling for the last two weeks or so that things are starting to slip...mentally, now I know some will say that I have already hit that mark, but I was so low last night that I just didn't care anymore. I have been there in that state once and it's happening again.

I always try to stay optimistic but sometimes that person needs a boost too.

I am a giver and my family are takers and I had an eye opener last week but last night knocked me off the mark. I could not take any more and after I hung up with my mother, I "lost it" and wanted to stay lost until I drew my last breath....but, it is not my time and my ticker kept ticking. I think the last time I was disappointed like this was when my grandfather died and the family didn't want me to make a scene in the hospital so, I was the last to know that he was not coming home. He passed away with everyone in the room saying their good-byes but me. I was the closest to him, that man was my everything. I still have not forgiven my family on that decision to this day.

I have been diagnosed with a nerve disorder and have to be on meds to keep it on an even keel, but when I really get rattled, I can't control my "shakes". Last night was a night that I was truly out of control. Poor Legs... I can handle the meds for the physical part of me that is breaking down but the mental part is more than I can handle. It's just one more thing...I hate always thinking....I can never stop.

Since my divorce I have learned to budget, never had to do that before, hell I paid my first bill at the age of 34! I think I am doing fairly well, I send money home to pay for things that I still have there, I have given money to my cousin, who is like a sister, and I have given money to my uncle, who is like a dad and I alway give money to my mother for other things to help her out. This time , me the giver, needs some help from the takers and they are not giving to the giver. I am hurt, disappointed, and angry.

My breakdown last night, was a reality check for me and it hit me hard. I will no more help them out. Not ever.

My close friends know the struggles that I have with my family with regards to this subject and let me tell you my dear friends....Fairy Mae has seen the light! It was a hard hit, but I now know just where I stand with them.

I'm done.

The Gala

Today is prep day for the Gala tomorrow night. I am in charge of the hospitality for the 11 performers coming. I have the crock pot ready for the hot soup, I have the fresh towels laid out in the dressing room and I have the food on order to pick up tomorrow morning at 9am.

Tomorrow is also decorating day for the college atrium. There will be quite a few of us there, so I am thinking there will be too many cooks in the kitchen...if you get my drift. There are big plans, such as a chocolate water fountain, an actual running fountain that will be set behind the bartenders while they serve us our Soul Mantinis. Oh, did I mention it was The Official Blues Brothers Revival....no John Belushi will not be here, neither will Dan Aykroyd but there will be two reasonable facsimiles here to replace them. You would not believe the calls we have received about John and Dan.....JOHN IS DEAD!!!! My heavens!!!! No pun intended!!

I will be here at the crack of dawn, til the wee hours of the night...with the exception of me running home to change, do my hair/makeup, grab Legs, Stifler's Mom and another friend..... and back I will be! Somedays I think I should get a cot!

There are so many things to think about, I don't want to think about it!

I am heading home early today, to...well, I am not sure why I have to go home early today? I'm not going to go to bed. I may have a drink, but I am not ready to go to bed!

My speech is ready, so I must rehearse infront of the mirror tonight, and maybe try to hit the stage in the morning for a trial run. I am not hopeful though, I hate public speaking!

As Scarlett or Carol Burnett (I feel more like Carol) would say .....after all...tomorrow is another day!

Uneventful

I had rather an uneventful day today. Mom didn`t call to bug me, I didn`t screw anything up at the office and no bill collectors we phoning. Nor were there very many wrong numbers calling my house. See my house phone is one number off of the number for the health clinic. I am gonna start booking appointments soon. My only hold back is some oldster needing some meds asap and I book an appointment and they die cuz they think they got the health clinic and are waiting for a call back and dont get one and on and on and on....get me!

missing out

Well, today I am missing work. I hate to miss work. I guess it's because work doesn't feel like work. Why am I missing work? Well, I am once again sick. I have some flu thing happening. I ache all over and I am so tired.

I hate missing work because I have much to do. Tomorrow I will go in. Jane Lockhart, the decorating guru is going to be at The Vic Juba Community Theatre and I still have to prep the green room and I must get my $h!t together for Friday when the Gala is on. I have a speech to read and I hate public speaking. It's funny, I hate public speaking but I have no problem acting on stage. I guess it's because I have lines learned in a play, and public speaking, I have to stand at a podium and be serious and me, rather than being a character in a play. Silly rabbit!

I hate the people above me. Neanderthal Man and his girlfriend Amazon Woman. They are thee most heavy footed people I have ever had living above me. They are even noisier than the couple who used to beat the hell out of each other! They are up til all hours and their music is very loud. I have already pounded on their door and asked them to turn their music down. Now, I just resort to ramming the end of my broom handle on my ceiling. I can't stand them!!

Amazon Woman is even taller and bigger then my Auntie Gwen and Neanderthal Man is this stocky humped up kid who has a really bad hairdresser. His hair is dark with these light coloured spots all over. He looks like a cross between a dalmatian and an appaloosa!

SCARY SHIT!!

I am definitely heading into work tomorrow!!

Tired

Well, I was right. The Kalan Porter show was very unorganized on the part of his promoter...well one of his promoters. What a dog and pony show! Kalan and his crew were very nice to work with. I enjoyed them all immensely.

I went to church today. It was the 3rd week on relationships at the Baptist Church. It was very interesting. I am so tired today though. I got home at 12:30am. I didn't do much this afternoon. I did however, take a leisurely nap on the couch in the "Stunshine". I was dead to the world. The Neanderthal and his girlfriend who live above me dropped something heavy on their floor...MY CEILING and scared the HELL out of me! Needless to say, I woke up after that. I feel a rant coming on about the two morons that live above me. I may have to rant about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day!!

The Oscars

My Oscar List:

Actor in Leading Role: Daniel Day Lewis

Actor in Supporting Role: Philip Seymore Hoffman

Actress in leading role: Ellen Page

Actress in Supporting role: Ruby Dee

Animated Film: Surf's Up

Short Film Animated: Madame Tutli-Putli

Short Film Live: The Tonto Woman

Writing Ad. Script: There will be Blood

Writing Orig. Script: Juno

Sound Editing: Transformers

Sound Mixing: Transformers

Visual Effects: Transformers

Film Editing: No Country for Old Men

Make-up: Norbitt

Music Score: 3:10 to Yuma

Music Song: Enchanted

Best Pic: No Country for Old Men

Directing: Juno

Costume Design: Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Cinematography: There Will be Blood

Art Direction: Atonement

Doc. Feature: Taxi to the Dark Side

Doc. Shot: Sari's Mother

Foreign Lang. Film: Mongol

And that's all folks....

This evening...

Well, I am heading in to work today. Kalan Porter is here tonight. I am anticipating a gong show with regards to the girls that will be here drooling over the boy. There were a couple of girls that came to the box office yesterday morning and I just happened to be there while Deels was giving them their tickets. They were giddy and silly. It was ridiculous considering the girls were in their early twenties. Of all the people that I have met the only one that I freaked over was Wolfgang Puck. And I freaked out after he chatted with us. I almost spilled my choclatini!!

Another woman facebooked me asking how ticket sales were for Kalan Porter and she wondered if I needed help pumping up advertising for him. I thought it was rather strange because her name was nowhere on the contracts so I facebooked her back asking who she was and what did she have to do with the show. Apparently she is on Kalan's Street team??? Whatever that is? I told her things were fine everything had its place. This woman is in her mid- 40's...... I thought it was creepy!

So, with that under my belt, I can only imagine what is in store for tonight. The theatre is very intimate and the seating is wonderful....this makes me nervous!

If only I were born rich instead of good looking!!

about me...

Here are a few things about me....
My Three Favourite sayings:
- Eat your meat that's what your paying for
- Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you what you are
- If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was

I am terrified of Sharks.

I haver a belly button phobia.

I hold grudges.

My favourite flowers are pansies and sweet peas.

I am a chip-o-holic.

Winos...

Last week I was ranting to a friend of mine, Kenny, who is attending university in Toon Town, that I never go out any more.

The phone rang last night, I answered and it was Kenny, she wanted to know what I was up to and I told her. She said she and her sister were coming to get me to go to Boston Pizza for a drink and hot wings. Legs was on the computer telling me to go. So, I went.

Kenny and Spenny picked me up, oh, incidently Spenny lives above me and I still never see her!

I had about 4 martinis and was well on my way. I had a really good time and am looking forward to seeing those two again. We covered alot of ground in those few hours. Those girls are like family to me and I really appreciate talking with them. In fact I love the whole family. They are good people.

Next weekend is the Gala which I am president of. Spenny offered to do my hair. Tonight is a trial run. I better buy some wine to help inspire her!

Hot seat again...

I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know why, I only know that once again I am in the hot seat.

I used to work at a western wear store here in the Border City. I then got the full time job where I am now and was asked by the screw loose manager of the western wear store to resign and if they needed help in the new year, they would let me know. WELL, I got a call last Friday at 2pm to see if I could bail them out for 5pm that afternoon/evening shift. I said sure I would. Then I was asked to work the next day as well. Luckily I had no performances to work so I said I would. WELL....

Since I worked there last week, the assistant manager is now being hauled in by the district manager and the manager for hiring me back. (I really think I intimidate the both of them, that is why they have such a hard-on about me coming in to work.) Now let me just say that the district manager, (who is all of 24) used to work for the manager as a grunt. The grunt got promoted to district manager and is now good friends with the manager. Everybody still with me????


It is so silly. Oh, and did I mention that the district manager is a good friend of my better half, Legs!

Talk about a gong show.

Well, I guess I will wait to see if I still have a job at the western wear store and I am curious to know if the assistant manager will put up with the bullshit or quit. The nice thing about the Border City is that jobs here are a dime a dozen. The city is getting so big with businesses that there are not enough people to fill positions. Hell, Home Depot just opened and they are crying for workers!

Anyone out there in cyberspace that is looking for a job, come to the Border City, you will have no problem getting one!

Comfort Foods

My heart for some reason is heavy today. I don't know why but it is. I think I may have to eat comfort foods tonight for supper and beyond.

Ahhhh, comfort foods. To me a comfort food is something that I ate when I was a kid. Something that grama would cook. Mom wasn't a great cook but she is getting better in her old age. (Sorry mom!)

Comfort foods like fried potatoes, cream corn and sausage. Chocolate cake with chocolate mint icing. Macaroni with tomato soup and boiled garlic sausage. No, grama was a good cook really!! You are probably reading this and thinking...YUK!

Comfort food was also farm chicken roasted, with stuffing and sour cream gravy over mashed potatoes and Russian Jello. I really have so many that I am not sure what to cook tonight. I may have to watch a bawly movie tonight too. Just to really put a damper on things.

I am not a big fan of days like this.......

Exercising...

I went out to the farm this weekend. I miss the farm so much. I miss the animals, the peace and quiet AND exercise!!! I mean for instance, this weight bet that I am in with Wilma and Bruno, well, I have to exercise. I HATE going to the gym or to exercise!! Period!! To me, it is a great waste of time. You walk on the tread and go nowhere! You pump iron and for what? People look at each other, there eyes darting left and right. There is etiquette and protocol. Whatever!!

Now, if you are at the farm, you are exercising and don't even know it. If you walk from the house to the barn which is several hundred feet from each other, you are exercising. If you pick up a 5 gallon pail of chop, water, or oats and walk with it from the grain bin to the feeders, you are exercising and lifting weights! PLUS you have a ton of clothing on which is also hard to maneuver in. You are bending under wire. You are climbing to get over the gate! Pitching hay over the fence. Kicking straw around for the cows to lay in. Who needs kick boxing class!! I lost 2 pounds over the weekend and am toning up. It's great.

So who says the gym is the place to be! You wanna lose weight? Go to the closest farm or ranch. I don't know of one farmer or rancher that would turn down farm help! They may be crazy but they ain't stupid!!

Course, I may be a little biased being a farm girl and all!!

Not sure

I just received a call from Legs this morning. He is on his way to see his cousin in Red Deer. He did tell me that he was going on a tear tonight with his friends, but will be leaving in decent time tomorrow for the Border City.

When he tells me he is going on a tear it bothers me somewhat. It bothers me because he CAN go on a tear. I want to and can't because living in the Border City, I don't know that many people and the ones I do know are...very attached to a significant other. I am too, but every once in awhile, I want to go out with just the girls. Trouble is, is that I have no girls to go out with! The girls that I am friends with have a family, or are in a "new" relationship and can't tear themselves away from their partner, or are in their early twenties and I when I go out with them, I feel like grama! They don't treat me like that of course, but that is how I feel.

Being in the mid to late thirties, divorced and no kids, it is hard to find someone to go "hang" with or to go play pool to "bullshit" with. I WANNA DO SOMETHING!!!

I hate living in the city for starters and on a Friday nite when I am "single" while my old man is away, well, I don't want to stay home sitting on the couch pretending I am "into" watching Medium or Ghost Whisperer!

Then when Legs comes home and tells me what fun he had with his friends, I get pissed off because I sat on the couch all friggin nite!

Is that wrong of me to feel that way. I don't feel 36. I feel 27/28!

I feel very alone sometimes.

Dollections...

First of all... Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Well...I had to do it. There was just no more room.

Last night after I got home from work. I went into my bedroom to put on my happy clothes and when I made the bed in the morning I put my stuffed toys...yes I still have some! on top of my happy clothes, so I had to dig for them. I decided that I have too many toys. I went through some boxes and found a net to hang all the toys up in. I have spiderman, clackity-clack clam, a green frog, a little dog with a hat, my talking Alf doll and my chicken.

After I put all but Spidey up in the net, I sat on the bed and thought about all the dolls and toys my mom bought me when I was a kid and still have to this day.

Here is the list of all I still have:

I have three cabbage patch kids and their clothes, a Vinnie Bobarino doll, A Fonzie doll, Bobby Orr, Cher, Princess Leah, Luke Skywalker, Spock, Cpt. Kirk, Spiderman, Donny and Marie Osmand, Talking Alf, Stretch Armstrong (his stretch is gone now), Hulk Hogan finger puppet, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, Hannibal Smith, Howling Mad Murdoch, along with numerous autographs from the stars....I have alot. And if course I took care of them all. Its quite amazing what you keep as an adult. I don't plan on having kids, so in my old age, I am not sure who will get my dollectables, but being an only child, I am not ready to let things go yet. They are mine, mine, all mine and nobody elses but mine!

Ahhh, that only child syndrome is kicking in again.....

going outta my mind

Some days I think my head is going to explode. Not only am I a controller and a perfectionist, I am also a deep thinker. I get something into my brain and I analyze it TO DEATH! I know I do this and I can't seem to stop it. Only one thing has to not go according to plan and then everything goes to hell in a handbasket. Someone says something that I don't think is appropriate and I analyze it. Then I get defensive by way of either being pouty, nervous or bitchy and I know I do this and I just can't stop. It is like a drug. You do it once and it goes spiraling out of control. Then only one person needs to utter a sound and I crumble. Tears flow, hands tremble and knees get weak. I literally "puke" out my thoughts and then find out that it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was in the first place.

My grama always said that things are never that bad the next day.

I hope she's right.

Boy Toys and Church and the weigh in....

Well, Mardi Gras was a blast! The Border City decided to throw one again this year and a bunch of us decided to go. I dressed up as a 70's diva with my long fluttery eyelashes and bright paisley dress, along with my go-go boots. Stifler's Mom was dressed in gold AND she brought her NEW man!! A younger one at that. Now both of us are cougars, sporting our younger men on our arm. However, mine could not attend due to the fact he is on a JD course in Olds. I did manage to catch the eye of a 24 year old...he was just a baby. No way was I even going there!!

Yup!

Stifler's Mom has a boy toy. Sounds pretty serious too.

Sunday morning I picked her up for church. At present we are church hopping to see which we like the best. Both of us are Luthern but we don't particularly care for the style. You know, slow songs, the long drawn out, awwwwwwwwmennnnnn. The dreary sermons. We are up for something more lively. Sunday, we went to the Baptist Church. It was pretty good. They are doing a 4 week stint on love. This first week was interesting combining scripture with Valentine's Day, and dating and such. I think we are heading back next week. Stifler's Mom is excited to go because there could be some tips that she could pick up with her new squeeze. For me with regards to my relationship with Legs...well, let's just say the honeymoon is over!

It was also weigh in day again this week. I am still the same weight, just losing the inches. Swimming does wonders!

Driving me NUTS!!!

I can not for the life of me get the Sask Blog flag on my blog!!! I have been on this thing for half the day. I am so frustrated!!!!!!!!!! I have been visiting this site since I read Brunos blog and I quite like it but I can't get it on my Cloister lifelines. Heaven only know I have a hard enough time copying and pasting and trying to figure out which little square things get pasted in to. Nothing is ever easy. CRAP!

Going out with Legs

Last night I talked Legs into going to a movie. There was Rambo...do I really want to see Sly Stallone who is...I da know....75 years old running abound with a bandana on his head?!!? NO!

Do I wanna see 20 something Dresses...NO. Do I wanna see Cloverfield, shot in the stlye of the Blair Witch...NO! Do I wanna see P.S. I Love you?? HELL NO!

I do want to see Juno and I was really glad I did. I even liked the soundtrack.

We entered the movie theatre wondering which we might see. (Legs was wary of another chick flick, hell even I am not into chick flicks!) We walked into theatre #4 and there was this really odd music playing. I figured it was music from the sound track but wasn't sure. Once the movie started, sure enough, it was the soundtrack we were listening to. It was great.

Juno is a must see.

What the hell!!

Ok...It was weigh-in....week 3. I have been doing really well. Lost 5 pounds so far and today was weigh in day. I am not impresed. I didn't lose nor did I gain but I am losing inches...which is a really good thing....really, but we are going by poundage!! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!

Torn

Well, I have been searching for a new hairstyle for awhile now and I think I finally found it! Stifler's Mom came over the other night and brought with her a Danielle Steele movie called "Safe Harbour." As we were watching and chatting, a new character came ontp the scene and that was it. The light bulb popped and there it was. My new hairstyle/cut. Now, I am torn if I should go that short or not. The actresses name is Rebecca Staab and I LOVE her haircut and style. Now I have the task of finding a hairdresser to cut and style it properly....now, finding a hairstylist..... that is another blog all on it's own!!!

Boys in the Border Town

I went to Stifler's Mom''s house last night for dinner and a movie. It was good but Stifler's Mom is pretty depressed about the dating scene here in the Border Town. She has had some weird dating experiences and is getting a little discouraged.

She told me that she went on a dating website and signed up for speed dating in Toon Town, hmmmm.... and asked if I wanted to go. (Wilma should like this one)

I am thinking about it....

I think it would be hilarious but on the other hand I am in a serious relationship with Legs and don't think it would be fair not only to him but to the dude at the dating table. I think it would be disrespectful. Am thinking.....

I think I would go but would wait in the hotel room for her!


Ahhh...as the stomach turns....